Book Summary and Thoughts - Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age by Sherry Turkle

Hi, everyone. Today I'm going to give a quick summary and my thoughts on a book published in 2015 by Sherry Turkle called Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age. 

I'm a book lover and I'm always reading or listening to several books. I have an eyes-are-bigger-than-stomach relationship with books. My bedside table looks like //this// at all times. I listened to this book on audio and I also got a hard copy from the library. Since I almost exclusively listen to non-fiction books and memoirs, I sometimes find it difficult to follow the author's cognitive organization, so I try to have a hard copy to look at as well.  

Just to be clear, I'm not a book reviewer.  I'm mostly interested in sharing a brief summary and thoughts.  Some people don't have the time or inclination to read the entire almost 400 page book, but are interested in a summary. Others might be intrigued by this synopsis and seek out the book to learn more. Either way, the books that I choose to present have information that I think is interesting or relevant to parenting or living more deliberately.  I hope you'll agree. 

First -- a little about the author. Sherry Turkle is trained as a sociologist and a licensed clinical psychologist. She is also a professor at MIT and has been studying our relationship with technology for 30 years. I read one of her many books, Alone Together, several years ago. She is widely considered one of the preeminent voices (if not the leading expert) in the discussion of how we are affected by our near constant interaction with computers and electronic devices.

When she was researching her book, Alone Together, Dr. Turkle kept hearing people say, "I'd rather text than talk."  So, this book is an ethnographic study of what happens when people text rather than talk to each other.  I had to look up the word ethnographic -- it means //the scientific study of human cultures with their habits, customs and differences.//  Dr. Turkle maintains that because of our overreliance on communication through devices (texts, tweets, emails, Snaps, news feeds and FB statuses) we are moving away from true conversation and all of the positive things that come with it - empathy, vulnerability, deep thought, creativity, fulfillment. 

I find the way she structured this book very appealing. She used a quote from Henry David Thoreau as an organizational device. The quote is from Thoreau's book Walden about his retreat from his busy life in the 1850s to live quietly and simply in a cabin at Walden Pond. Here's the quote -- "I had three chairs in my house; one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society." So, the way she structures her book is:

• The Case for Conversation - where she gives background on the current state of technology and conversation
• One Chair - which covers solitude and self-reflection
• Two Chairs - which deals with family, friendship and romance
• Three Chairs - covering Education and Work
• The Path Forward - or what can we do?
• A Fourth Chair? - her case against our over-reliance on robots (think Siri and Alexa)

I'm going to go through these one at a time and just give a synopsis of what is covered. 

The Case for Conversation

In this introductory portion, the author sets up the premise of the book, which is -- in relying on communicating through technology, we are all diminished by lack of true conversation.  My favorite synthesis of this is a question posed by actor and comedian Stephen Colbert. He asked Sherry Turkle in an interview, "Don't all these little tweets, these little sips of online connection, add up to one big gulp of real conversation?"  Spoiler alert -- her answer is emphatically NO. 

One Chair

Turkle makes the point here that without cultivating an ability to be alone and to self reflect, we cannot truly understand ourselves. And without that understanding, we do not have the capacity for relationship with others.  Being able to think deeply gives us insight into ourselves (what is important to me?  Who do I want to be? Can I forgive myself and others?) and also into complex issues. I've always heard, if you want to solve a problem, take a walk -- without your phone. But we don't really nuture time by ourselves anymore, do we?  And when we are by ourselves, we fill that time with catching up on texts, reading our social media or finding entertainment on YouTube or NetFlix.  When we are alone without our phones (like maybe we walked out of the house without it or the battery died) we have big time disconnection anxiety.  We ward off boredom at all costs, but there are costs, aren't there?  Boredom, solitude and mental space are required to build identity, empathy and perspective. 

Two Chairs

This section contains the meat of her argument and it was the part that was most interesting to me.  What happens when we text rather than talk?  In college aged kids, markers for empathy are down 40%. What does that mean in real terms?  It means we are crueler, more dismissive and less tolerant of each other. In families, parents are choosing to be on their phones rather than interact with their kids, choosing to handle conflicts over text and choosing to violate their own rules like being on their phones at the dinner table. Even when they know they shouldn't. Tell me you don't relate to at least some of that -- I know I do. Kids are crowd sourcing hard decisions on Instagram, evaluating their self worth through the number of likes they get, avoiding real time phone calls like the plague, allowing phones to distract them from just about everything and, when they ARE talking with their friends, they are talking about what is happening on their phones. People are trying to find love by swiping right on Tinder, maintaining superficial branding and appearances, carefully composing and determining the timing of flirty texts and wondering within relationships whether they could "do better" with the vast array of online choices. According to Dr. Turkle, it takes 7 minutes to determine where a conversation is going, but most people today are swiping left before they can even figure that out.

Three Chairs

In this section, Dr. Turkle addresses school and work. Despite the fact that colleges now offer a blizzard of online learning options, we are missing things from live classrooms -- real collaboration, mentorship, deep attention. And, in case you didn't already know, multitasking is a complete myth. Studies show that it makes us way less efficient.  Having our devices in the classroom make us distracted, impatient and think in a more shallow way.  There are similar problems in the workplace: no one is paying attention on conference calls, no one is chatting at the office cooler anymore, and everyone feels the pressure to be on the corporate messaging system and be available online at all times. The result is not good for creativity and effectiveness.

The Path Forward

It's depressing, isn't it?  The good news is that these problems are relatively easy to remedy. In just 5 days at a summer camp with no devices, kids were better able to read emotions and had more markers for empathy.  So, what would Dr. Turkle have us do?  Here are some of her tips:

• Acknowledge how magnetic your phone is
• Slow down and take quiet time to know yourself and your mind
• Create sacred spaces for conversation (dinner time, car, etc.) and adhere to the rules yourself
• Unitask rather than Multitask
• Give conversations at least 7 minutes
• Talk to people you don't agree with
• Stop thinking of relationships as transactional things to be "managed"
• Lean into discomfort - have the conversation even if you'd rather not
• Don't avoid difficult conversations
• Avoid black and white thinking

And I'll end here on that note. Our always on technology is here to stay. Dr. Turkle is not suggesting we all rush to the nearest toilet, throw our phones in and flush!  She's only recommending that we recognize the limits of their utility, put them down deliberately, and get out there to smell the roses sometimes. 

And of course -- keep talking to each other -- make eye contact, empathize, and give relationships time. Amen to all of that!  Obviously, you will get more texture, back up data and anecdotes from the actual book, so read it yourself. I'll put a link in the video description. 

Please provide your thoughts, experiences and feedback in the comments section and don't forget to subscribe.  Thanks for watching!