Talk to Your Teen Boy about Noodz

Hi, everyone!  I'm Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and today we are going to going to talk about the discussion you should be having with your teenaged boys about Noodz - the term for racy photos on the Internet. 

Listen up, parents of middle school and high school boys!  You HAVE to have this talk with your kids. If you've already done it -- good job!  If not, let's talk through some of the points you should make. 

First of all, let's just acknowledge that this is happening. Boys are asking for Noodz and girls are sending them. I know you'll be shocked to hear that the reverse is rarely true. The term Noodz or just nudes covers a range of photos that includes actual nudes to just compromising ones with more skin showing than usual.  

Originally I had combined girls and boys in one post and then I realized that I had way too much to say, so I split them into 2 separate posts. There might be a little repetition for those of you who have one of each (like me), but a lot of the specific messaging is different. 

This applies to talks with kids of both genders - I would like to change 2 things about the way these conversations usually happen. First of all, we tend to have these conversations AFTER something has happened. That's okay -- that conversation is important too, albeit obviously less effective -- but let's try to get ahead of the story and act preemptively. And number 2, let's change the tone from 100% scare tactics (girls will lose their reputation, boys can get arrested) to also talking about values and behavior towards others. 

And just a quick note about talking to boys about this. Far more parents feel compelled to have this conversation with girls. In the same way that parents feel compelled to talk to their girls about walking home alone, wearing provocative clothing, or being aware of their environment.  Parents don't feel like they need to talk to boys because "of course my son would never solicit nude photos from a girl!"  News flash -- some of them are obviously doing this and frankly, I think it's important that parents be a part of this conversation -- even if it's not your kid who is directly involved. 

The talk:

• Awareness - back into this conversation gently by asking your son if he has heard of any girls who have sent Noodz at their school.  If you can, get him to tell you the circumstances, but most boys won't give you any data on this -- either because they have none, or because they don't feel comfortable talking about it. 
• Scare tactic - he may already know this, but let him know that just possessing an explicit picture of an underage girl (or boy) is a crime.  Ask him what they would do if a photo like this was sent to them or forwarded from a friend.  Then let him know that the correct answer is DO NOT FORWARD IT.  Under any circumstances. In the eyes of the law, it is one thing to possess "child pornography", it is much worse to distribute it. 
• Don't send D**k Pics - this honestly seems utterly ridiculous to me, but apparently boys have taken to sending girls pictures of their genitals. It is essentially that guy in the trench coat on the train, Internet style.  At very best it is sexual harassment.  And more than that it is just FOUL. This strains credulity for me, but one 13 year old told me she received 11 of these in ONE DAY.  This is the sort of thing you don't feel like you need to say, but let's do it anyway. When I asked my son whether he had received or sent nudes he said, "Why would anyone want to send that to me?  And why would anyone want that from me?"  I completely agree. 
• Just because you can, doesn't mean you should - So here is where we start to get into values. Say you have a high status kid. You know who you are. He is popular with the ladies. Spends a lot of time on his hair.  You have to tell him NEVER to ask. Here's what apparently happens -- boys text "Send nudes" to a bunch of girls just fishing and seeing what they might get back.  In some cases it is the equivalent of pulling pigtails -- they are just trying to get a reaction. In other cases, they might actually get a nude photo back. Particularly if they have spent some time grooming that girl.  Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Don't do it. 
• Girls are people - again, totally a given, but let's say it anyway. Let's say he went "fishing" and caught a big one. Well, what boy wouldn't want to brag to his friends?  And wouldn't the easiest way be to just forward that photo, you know -- the proof, on to all of them?  Okay -- we've already covered the criminal implications of this, but let's just talk about being a good person and making the right decision. What will happen to that girl?  Will she lose friends?  Will she get a terrible reputation?  I don't care whether she made a bad choice to send it to you. This is about the choice that you are making about whether you are a decent human being. Make the right call here. 
• Bystander intervention - okay, let's say you aren't the one asking and you aren't the one forwarding. But you know boys or are friends with boys who are. What do you do?  Keep quiet?  There is a range of courageous actions he can choose to take.  Obviously the best is calling out the behavior for what it is and shutting it down if possible.  Say "don't send that stuff to me, I don't want to see it."  Or "don't send that -- it will will be really bad for her."  But if that all takes too much courage, then at least defend the girl in the presence of others since inevitably the photo will make the rounds. Do not participate in slut shaming.  People sometimes make bad decisions or mistakes -- don't help make a bad situation worse. 
• Come to me - If you know of this happening, come to me. I won't blow your cover.  I won't immediately sound the alarm.  But as a community, we have to do better than this. And it all starts with boys behaving better.  

There will inevitably be people who disagree with me about the level of responsibility boys have in this situation.  I just think that the scales are already off balance. Girls shoulder a disproportionate amount of stigma in this conversation about Noodz. Just consider that there is not an analogous boy word for "Slut" in English. Certainly not one that carries the same degree of shame and stigma. So, yes, I think all boys have a responsibility to call out terrible behavior and do the right thing. 

What a different world this would be if every kid's parents routinely had this discussion with them. Aren't these the values that we want them to carry forward?  Don't ask for things you have no right to, don't send unsolicited awfulness, empathize with others, shut down malicious rumors, stand up for what is right, and trust your parents. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.  And thanks for watching!