Talk to Your Teen Girl about Noodz

Hi, everyone!  I'm Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and today we are going to going to talk about the discussion you should be having with your teen girls about Noodz - or sending racy photos on the Internet. 

Listen up, parents of middle school and high school girls!  You HAVE to have this talk with your kids. If you've already done it -- good job!  If not, let's talk through some of the points you should make. 

First of all, let's just acknowledge that this is happening. Boys are asking for Noodz and girls are sending them. I know you'll be shocked to hear that the reverse is rarely true. The term Noodz or just Nudes covers a range of photos that includes actual nudes to just compromising ones with more skin showing than usual.  

There are 2 things I'd like to change about how these conversations usually happen. First of all, we tend to have these conversations AFTER something has happened. That's okay -- that conversation is important too albeit obviously less effective -- but let's try to get ahead of the story and act preemptively. And number 2, let's change the tone from 100% scare tactics (girls will lose their reputation, boys can get arrested) to also talking about values and behavior towards others. 

The Talk:

• Awareness - First start by asking gently if your daughter has heard of other girls in her school sending Noodz or being asked for Noodz. Let her know that she doesn't have to tell you any details, but just try to figure out how aware she is. 
• Reputation and Friendship - If she answers yes, that gives you a great opportunity to ask how that has affected that girl or girls. If not, let her know that sending those kinds of pictures, even once, can have a lasting effect on your reputation, your friendships, and ultimately your future, particularly if there if someone screen shotted it and there is an actual photo making the rounds. You can go into how even though some forms of social media seem temporary, there are ways to make them permanent. But there is no need to be too heavy handed here. 
• Acknowledge their world - You'll hear me say this again, but one of my biggest pet peeves is when parents assume decisions will be easy for a kid without acknowledging the temptations and pressures of their world. Talk about how sometimes it might feel flattering to be asked particularly if it's from an older or higher status boy.  Talk about the grooming process where they spend time saying nice things first and creating a "trusting" relationship before asking.  Tell them never to trust anyone with pictures like this -- even their very closest friends. Acknowledge that these are not easy decisions -- and are particularly hard when you are not feeling great about yourself. 
• Girls United - It honestly makes me crazy when girls "slut shame" other girls.  Let's just be clear about the unfairness of this situation. Boys asks constantly for nudes and they never get in trouble. Girls send ONE and their friendships evaporate and reputation is stained forever. How is that fair?  It's not and it's truly awful that girls jump on the shaming band wagon.  Stand up for your fellow gender!  Maintain friendships with girls who are going through this. Say either you don't believe it or you don't care -- everyone makes mistakes. AND unite against boys who do this -- they NEVER get in trouble for asking or spreading nasty rumors. 
• Pay it Forward -- Do you think you'll never make a mistake?  Do you think you will ever want forgiveness?  Do you think you'll ever want someone to be kind to you when you've missteped?  Then start paying it forward now.  Even if you are shocked about photos that someone sent, it is NOT okay to spread malicious gossip that will affect someone.  It is not okay to be mean.  Be kind and before you judge, remember everyone is walking their own path with their own unique burdens. Act the way you would hope others would act towards you in a bad situation. 
• Come to me - This is the most important point to make -- let her know that if she does make a mistake, she can come to you. You might not be thrilled, but you can help. Some parents will think this implies permission. I do not. But it breaks my heart when these young people deal with this stuff alone for fear of disappointing their parents.  And we all know that can end tragically.  We are all flawed -- we are all worthy of forgiveness. Let her know there is always a soft place for her to land. And if she does come to you, make sure you act with her interests in mind. You are going to want to lash out at whoever hurt your baby.  Cool down, consider your options, talk with your daughter -- I mean really hear her -- and do what is ultimately best for her. 

Think what a different world this would be if every kid's parents routinely had this discussion with them. Aren't these the values that we want them to carry forward?  Be careful, don't give away pieces of yourself even when it is tempting, be kind, forgive, don't judge, and trust your parents.