Mom's 2¢ - Boys Should Watch 13 Reasons Why

Last weekend I binged watched 13 Reasons Why.  My 13 year old daughter had already blown through it and I promised her (and myself) that I would watch it to discuss. Wow. I have a lot of thoughts -- I'll talk through some of those thoughts today. 

There is a lot of controversy swirling around Netflix's recently released teen drama about a high school suicide and the incriminating audiotapes she left behind. Here's the plot in a nutshell - Hannah Baker, a junior in high school, dies of suicide. She leaves behind 7 audio tapes on which she reveals the 13 reasons (and the 13 people) "responsible" for her suicide. She has left instructions for the tapes to pass to each of the 13 people.  We follow her friend and crush, Clay Jensen as he listens to the tapes and navigates the heavy emotions, misdeeds, cruelty, and cover-ups that led up to and follow Hannah's death. 

Tough topics, right?  And that is without digging into the "13 reasons why" which involve everything from basic female objectification to small acts of betrayal to outright bullying all the way up to 2 counts of criminal rape and the death of another student. 

There are 3 significant concerns about the choices the series makes in their portrayal of suicide and violence.  

Concern #1 - Copycat Suicides - There is significant controversy about the way that Hannah's suicide is presented and whether that depiction will promote copycat suicides. Does it glamorize the girl who died and the way she died?  Does it show a fantasy world of revenge and externalization of blame?  Probably yes, to all of that.  The upshot seems to be -- if your kid has had thoughts of or has attempted suicide, proceed with extreme caution. Depending on your kid you may choose to ban it altogether or watch it with them. Either way, there are a lot of triggers for parents and kids who have experience with this in real life. 

Concern #2 - Violence - Another area of controversy deals with the level of visual violence presented on screen.  The last 4 episodes are by the far the most graphic, so prepare yourself if you haven't seen them yet. The filmmakers have decided to show these violent acts, including the final suicide, in this eyes wide open, don't look away or cut away fashion, which forced me to decide between looking away from the screen or feeling nauseated. I'm of 2 minds here. With regard to the visual depiction of Hannah's suicide, it felt gratuitous and over the top.  And apparently deviated from the methodology in the book -- so made the extra violence even more deliberate and confusing. But with the violent depictions of rape, that realism might have served a purpose -- to not sugarcoat horrible things. Not being able to look away brings a kind of accountability and outrage with it.  AGAIN -- there are triggers galore here. The rapes scenes are revisiting over and over again from different perspectives and are very hard to watch even for adults who don't have sexual trauma in their backgrounds. 

Concern #3 - Treatment of Adults - okay I get it, it's a TV series, not a Public Service Announcement and I guess if the story line went, girl tells parents she's suicidal, girl gets professional help, girl lives to help others -- the series might be brief and boring. But GEEZ!  Not one kid can talk to an adult and ask for help in this series?  Honestly.  Isn't THAT the message we really need to promote?  TELL SOMEONE who can help.  Hannah goes to one adult in the whole 13 part series -- and let's just say that doesn't go well. The school counseling community is totally up in arms over that depiction -- as they should be. The other adults in the series are treated as either grief-stricken or well-meaning, clueless, and completely ineffective.  Basically no different than the treatment that adults usually get in teen dramas.  I get that the series would have been less dramatic and if parents and mental health professionals had been more involved, but that plot device needs to be talked about out loud. 

So those are several of the very real concerns. If you have a kid who has suicide ideation or a trauma history of any kind -- be careful since there are triggers galore. If you have kids younger than high school -- and it is going through middle schools like wildfire -- please note the extreme adult themes and graphic violence.

But here is why I think 13 Reasons Why should be manadatory watching for high school boys -- the series covers real teenage issues in a way that is nuanced and yet clearly shows right and wrong. By nuanced, I mean that it shows how difficult it sometimes is to make the right decision.  Almost all of the main characters struggle with the ethics of either being a good and kind person or boosting their status, protecting themselves or protecting their friends. These are not the easy decisions we would always like them to be, but the series is VERY clear on what the RIGHT decisions should have been. Let's cover them quickly:

• Don't share embarrassing photos
• Don't objectify girls
• Don't stalk girls with a camera
• Don't make up malicious lies
• Don't touch girls without consent
• Don't share or publish private information without permission
• Take responsibility for your mistakes and actions
• Don't have sex with an unconscious girl
• Don't rape
• Don't let things happen that you know are wrong (bystander awareness)

This list is kind of clinical and seems obvious. Yes, we hope our boys don't need to be told that rape is bad and stalking someone with a camera.  But some of these are more subtle and its helpful to see them in context. Here are two of the less obvious messages that I would want my son think about:

#1 - Don't objectify girls - i am positive that not all boys understand this concept. And it is an important one.  Don't catcall, don't look a girl up and down appreciatively, don't lick your lips, don't say something nice and then raise your eyebrows lasciviously. And for GODS sakes don't reach out and give us a little touch. Just don't do it. I KNOW that is seems like a compliment. I KNOW that you think it makes us feel good. It doesn't. We aren't a piece of meat sitting on a plate. We are more than the sum of our body parts. We are people with feelings.  Please recognize this and treat us the way you would want your sister or your mom treated. Please. 

#2 - Be a proactive bystander - most boys know the difference between right and wrong, right?  Most would have no problem agreeing with everything on this list. But what happens when they are in a group of friends?  What if that friend group was slightly intimidating?  Like a group of older or higher status boys.  What if a couple of the boys were not behaving well?  Using racial epithets, mistreating girls, committing minor crimes. Here's the message - even if you aren't the one behaving badly, YOU still have a responsibility. If you can, stop the behavior. Look -- I know how hard that can be -- particularly in an intimidating group.  So, if you can't do that -- call it out. Like -- "I wish you wouldn't use that word." "I don't want to be here if we are going to _____."  If even that is too risky, then take yourself out of the situation. Walk away.  Okay -- so people might think you are too sensitive, not cool, or whatever.  The thing is -- it IS important to stand up for what is right and to do the right thing. This series shows a fictional account of the devastating consequences of lots of people failing to do the right thing. 

Based on my extremely informal poll, girls are definitely watching this. My 13 year old daughter and all of her friends ingested it in one giant gulp. And I hope they are taking to heart the importance of being kind, taking responsibility for your mistakes, and being a good friend. But even though I have heard reports of boys watching this -- my son, who is 15, has shown no interest and none of his friends have seen it. 

And yet, that is the very audience I think would benefit most. Our high school culture has to shift away from cruelty and objectification. And towards kindness and empathy.  Fiction of this sort might be just the tool we need.  So, I'm going to encourage my son to watch this -- it won't be an easy sell since he's currently obsessed with watching the entirety of The Office for the second time.  But I think these conversations are important and I'm worried about the vacuum that is created if I'm silent. 

Just my thoughts. I'd like to hear yours. Please provide your thoughts, experiences and feedback in the comments section and don't forget to subscribe.  Thanks for watching!