Talk to Your Kids About Cursing and Code Switching

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today's video I'll talk about what you might want to say to your teen or preteen about cussing and code switching.

Truth be told -- I don't swear much. I'm definitely a little looser if I have a beer or two in me, but it's not really baked into my style of speech.  Growing up, my parents were at opposite ends of the cussing spectrum.  My dad swore like a sailor -- still does.  And three year old me could recite his favorite string of pretty colorful 7 curse words like a pro. My mom was never comfortable with it and it showed. At one point, in a fit of pique, she called one of us a piece of shit -- and if sounded so weird coming out of her mouth -- AND she seemed so uncomfortable saying it -- that we all just stopped and laughed for 5 minutes. Probably not exactly the affect she was intending. 

Just Words

At any rate, I tell my kids -- curse words are just words like any other. They don't have intrinsic value.  They take on whatever meaning is ascribed to them by whomever you are talking to. That said, some people are VERY offended by curse words - and some words are considered much worse than others.  

Exposure

This is an area where I think it makes sense to be practical. Your kids are going to hear cursewords starting at a pretty young age. And by the time they're in middle school, their friends -- and most likely they -- will be cussing up a storm when adults aren't around.  I find that it actually starts on social media and graduates into face-to-face communication.

Judge

The thing is -- people judge you by what you wear, who you hang out with, and HOW YOU SPEAK. If you are saying a bunch of, what they consider to be, offensive things, they are NOT going to think you are a nice person.  This is particularly true of adults -- who might have an impact on the opportunities that you have as a young person: grades, recommendations, scholarships, job offers, etc. 

So, here's what I tell my kids. You can cuss with you friends if that's the culture in your squad.  BUT (and this is important) you HAVE to be able to code switch. 

Code Switch

So, let's define code switching quickly.  In linguistics, code switching is alternating between two languages within the same sentence. Like when the two Persian women in your office are speaking Farsi and every third word is in English. That's the formal meaning of code switching.  I'm using it here in the urban dictionary sense.  Here's their definition: "to customize style of speech to the audience or group being addressed."  A lot of times it is used in the black community to signal transitioning between styles of speaking. Thus the example "She talks street to her friends at school, but when she is with her family, she is code switching and speaks proper English."

What I mean here, is that your kids have to be able to transition easily and quickly between cussing with their friends and addressing an adult -- and they have to be able to do it with NO slip ups.  It's not as easy as it sounds. Here's an example – when my husband was right out of law school, he worked at a law firm with a bunch of other associates in their 20s. They all swore like sailors almost all the time. During that time, on a visit back to my rural hometown, we visited the grocery store and somehow in the course of checking out my husband dropped the F bomb. Let's just say the cashier was deeply offended and let him know in no uncertain terms. Now, I don't think she was necessarily in the right to dress down a customer, but it definitely made him think twice. He came to the conclusion that if he couldn't code switch, he needed to consider not cussing at all.

And basically that's what I told my kids. If they can't code switch, they shouldn't be cussing at all. I consider our house, except in times of extreme emotional distress, a practice zone for adult speak. I don't care that much about the curse words -- most of them don't offend me, but they need an environment where they have to watch their mouths lest they slip up somewhere important -- and it has an impact on their reputation.

Two additional thoughts:

Music

Obviously there are a lot of curse words in modern music -- that might be the understatement of the century.  I let my kids play their loud pop and rap music in my car, even if it's riddled with expletives. I want to hear what they're listening to. Sometimes it is a little too much – particularly when the artist is not creative enough to come up with any OTHER words.  But mostly, I try not to focus on the swearwords and instead focus on the messaging.  If you get too bogged down in language, you can miss how much outright violence and misogyny is in these songs. I want my kids to consider this stuff and think critically about it: what is happening in the song, how are people being treated, is the music good enough to tolerate the iffy message?  

Why offensive?

The last thing, is that I want my kids to think critically about why some words are offensive. Some words are offensive because they come from the religious world, some are sexual, some are mean ways to refer to others.  Don't just use the word because it's off-limits, think about what the meaning is, and decide critically if that's a word that you feel comfortable adding to your vocabulary. I find the F bomb way less offensive than some mean epithets that carry an offensive history.

Look one of my mantras is that we're not raising kids here, we're raising future adults.  I find that many times rather than telling them they can't do something, give them the reasons why they may want to consider a different path.  My kids have made different decisions on this topic. My son rarely cusses at all. My daughter code switches with some occasional slip-ups at home, which she is actively working on. Let me know what you think!  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!