How to Apologize Properly

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar Channel and in today’s video, I’ll share my thoughts on how to apologize properly. 

First, let me just confess that apologies don’t come easily to me —particularly in the heat of the moment.  I have a bit of a defensive streak and I like nothing more than BEING RIGHT.  It’s not exactly my best characteristic. But my temper flares out as quickly as it ignites and it doesn’t take me too long to start to consider how MY actions might have contributed to a conflict — sometimes just a couple of minutes. And in those cases, I muster up my courage and I apologize. I’ve apologized to my husband a thousand times. I’ve apologized to my kids, my parents, my in-laws, my coworkers, my friends. 

The thing is — and this is what I tell my kids — we are going to do crappy things to each other.  It’s inevitable and happens all the time.  Not because we terrible people, but because we aren’t paying attention, we misread a situation, we said something stupid, we got angry, we were selfish, we unintentionally hurt someone.  We are ALL going to do crappy things. But most of the time, that matters less than how we handle it afterwards. 

Here are the things that a real apology does: 1) admits wrongdoing 2) expresses remorse for how it affected the other person and 3) takes practical steps towards making sure it doesn’t happen again.  Those are the three things. 

Weakness?

Let’s just talk for a second about whether apologies show weakness. This is common view — that if you apologize, it’s as good as exposing your jugular to your opponent.  This would all make total sense if you were WAGING A WAR. But we aren’t talking about war — we are talking about human relationships. There are no battle lines. In fact, good relationships require you to show vulnerability occasionally.  This is the only way to establish trust. Without trust and intimacy, the relationship isn’t worth much — it can only be superficial.  So, I believe that apologizing actually demonstrates strength. A person who is willing to admit they messed up is a person who has courage.  Let me give a quick analogy.  Let’s say there is a bridge with a tiny crack in it. In this scenario, you are the bridge; the crack is your relationship misstep. You can ignore the crack and just continue to drive across the bridge. Or, you can realize it’s there, but don’t do anything to fix it — instead just put up some additional concrete walls or scaffolding for reinforcement. Even so, that bridge is never going to be as strong as one where the crack was identified and fixed from the beginning.  Apologizing is fixing the crack and it takes courage. 

Why?

So, why?  Why apologize?  Two reasons: 1) it’s the right thing to do and 2) relationships don’t mend right without them.  Say, you overheard one of your friends saying a bunch of terrible things about your kid at a party. She could obviously tell that you were upset because when she looked up, you walked right out of the room.  It’s possible that without an apology, you could eventually get to a point in a couple of months where you could be on superficially normal terms with this friend — but that relationship is never going to be the same. Here’s another one of my bad analogies.  Relationship missteps (like that example of saying something terrible about someone’s child) are like breaking a bone. An apology is the surgery that sets the bone in place to heal properly. Without an apology, the bone could heal, but it’ll probably never be right again.  That same thing could happen even with an apology, of course, if the misstep was too egregious, but an apology is required if you want the relationship to heal properly. And sometimes it’ll heal even stronger than before.  

So, let’s talk dos and don’ts. 

Dos

• 3 Things - remember the three things: 1) admit wrongdoing 2) express remorse for how it affected the other person and 3) take some practical steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again. 
• Even if unintentional - even if you didn’t do something on purpose or didn’t intend for things to happen the way they did, you can still apologize for the role that you played and the way it affected your friend. 
• Keep asking - the person you hurt may not be ready to hear from you. And that is okay.  They may need to cool down before they can talk to you. But keep asking. You don’t have a right to be forgiven, but you do have a right to apologize — eventually. 
• Keep it Real - Make sure it’s a good one.  There is nothing worse than allowing someone to apologize to you and then having them turn it around and blame it all on you.  You can tell if the apology you receive is real because you feel a little better afterwards. If you feel worse, it’s not you — the apology was crappy. 

Don’ts

So, what makes an apology crappy?  Any one if the following things:

• Explain/excuse - your job is to say you were wrong, say you are sorry, and say it won’t happen again. That’s it. Did you see how there weren’t any buts in there?  If you say, “I’m sorry, but. . .”  It’s a crappy apology. Now — once you’ve done the required 3 things and if you are still having a longer conversation, you might be able to explain yourself a little, but remember that is not what you are there for. 
• Demand forgiveness - You need to walk into this with no expectation of forgiveness.  Forgiveness takes time and takes building back trust.  An apology is the first step in this process. If you demand forgiveness, you are being manipulative and doing the apology for the wrong reasons. 
• Fake Apologies - this is my all time favorite no no and is SO common among pissed off, defensive people who don’t think they need to apologize in the first place. I can see one of these coming from a mile away.  Here are the 4 fake apology templates:
  • I'm sorry you are such a dumb ass and clearly didn’t understand that I was actually being a great person. 
  • I’m sorry you made me do that with your terrible behavior.
  • I’m sorry you were unreasonably offended by my perfectly reasonable behavior. 
  • I’m sorry I got caught, I really wish I could keep doing it.

So what is the problem with each of these?  It goes back to #1 —they aren’t actually admitting any wrongdoing. They are criticizing you, blaming you, or otherwise excusing their behavior, but using “I’m sorry” in front of it so they can get credit.  Um, no. Try again. These make me furious for the following reasons: 1) it’s actually a criticism of you masquerading as an apology and 2) it’s assumes you are stupid enough not to know what the real deal looks like. They are THE WORST. 

It’s best to get someone objective to listen to your apology and make sure it doesn’t fall into one of those awful fake apology templates.  Because honestly, it is the equivalent of breaking a bone twice rather than setting it. If you aren’t ready to give a real apology, then wait until you are.  I tend to apologize right away, but I also think that it is never too late.  I have received apologies months and months and, in some cases, years after the fact.  Better late than never. 

This is an explainer that works for everyone, but please, teach your kids how to apologize properly. It’s a true mark of maturity and humility.  They will inevitably need to do this with friends or authority figures. Have them write it out in advance or rehearse with you beforehand. It is SO important that they get it right.  Unless you want all of their relationships in their lives to be limping around, terribly healed, not quite sure where they stand. 

One last thing.  Be empathetic.  If you don’t do a great job the first time, give yourself permission to try again.  This stuff is hard.  Also, be empathetic to people who are trying to apologize to you. Know that it is hard and takes a lot of personal growth to get it right.  Give people credit for trying and give them an opportunity to try it again if they need to. 

Let me know what you think!  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!