Don't Hijack Childhood Terms for Adult Relationships

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today's video, I'll talk about why, in the context of adult relationships, we shouldn't use terms for children such as Need, Abandonment, Neglect, and Unconditional Love.

I'm pretty sure this is going to be a controversial take, but this is a pet peeve of mine.  A little while ago, I did a video on a couple of words that most therapists use that I hate -- one of those words is "Need."  Specifically, I don't like when that word used in the context of an adult relationship.  And on further thought -- I've figured out why I don't like it.  And it has to do with hijacking words that were originally conceived to describe a child's experience for use in adult relationships. Hear me out.

No one asks to be born.  We all come into this world vulnerable, helpless, and totally dependent on the human beings who brought us into it.  And as children, we have a LOT of needs.  And we have literally no way of getting those needs met -- except through our parents or caregivers.  We are helpless and dependent.  And in the eyes of the law, we remain that way until age 18, when we can hold down a job, move out, and begin to provide for ourselves. That is a COMPLETELY different relationship and dependency than ANY relationship between two grown adults who each have the ability to provide for themselves and make their own decisions. 

Okay -- for this reason, when I work with couples, I ask both partners not to use the word "need" or "needs" when speaking about something they want their partner to do.  For example, "I need to you to be home when you say you are going to be home."  Okay -- now that is a want.  That is not a need.  "I WANT to you to be home when you say you are going to be home."  What is the difference?  And why does it matter?  The difference is that, although adults do have needs, they are able to take care of them on their own.  After all, they are an autonomous adult.  If you, as an adult, need food or water -- you can get it.  If you don't have money, you can work to earn some.  If you have needs for love and affection, you can seek a relationship that gives you that.  Asking your partner to "meet your needs" is a demand for them to take care of you when have the ability to do that on your own.  What you want is to request -- "It is important to me that you are home when you say you are going to be home.  Can you please do that for me?"  Then if your partner routinely ignores your requests that you have made directly, you -- autonomous adult -- can take yourself out of that relationship and find a different one.  Why does this even matter?   It matters because using the word "need" takes the important moral responsibility that parents have to their children and hijacks it to make it seem like consenting autonomous adults in a relationship have the same level of responsibility to each other -- and they don't.  It takes one partner's desire, want, preference and turns it into a responsibility and a moral requirement.

Before we go on, I want to acknowledge that not every relationship is equal and not every person has the same ability to get their needs met.  We live in an unequal society and there are definitely abusive, restrictive relationships.  There are also folks who are dependent on others because of disability or age.  But for the purposes of this video, we are talking about adult relationships that have a healthy balance of power. 

Here are some additional words that fall into the same category for me:

• Abandonment - children can be abandoned by their parents or caregivers.  There are few things more terrifying to contemplate than a child being left alone in the world to fend for him or herself.  It is a moral failing on the HIGHEST order for an adult to abandon a child.  For this reason, this word is emotionally charged.  But adults cannot abandon each other.  You can certainly leave one another. And you can leave an adult in a really bad situation -- without money or support.  But it is still not abandonment.  It is leaving.  And that is because adults are not wholly dependent on each other.  Adults can provide for themselves.  And before you come at me, I know about abandonment clauses in divorce and I much prefer the word desertion to abandonment.  Here's another one
• Neglect - Again, in the context of children, neglect can be fatal.  Children cannot provide for themselves, so if their parents do not give them food, water, shelter, emotional support -- the child may die.  This is another emotionally loaded term because of the total dependence of children on their caregivers.  For this reason, I don't like that term to be used in adult relationships, because again, adults have the ability get their own needs met.  Again, I don't want to be too glib about this.  I know that there are abusive relationships where people have been made to be almost entirely dependent on a spouse.  These abusive situations can be almost impossible to extract oneself from.  But the key concepts here are abuse and control.  Neglect requires a level of dependence that shouldn't exist in adult relationships. And finally,
• Unconditional Love - this is a utopian concept that is reserved for parents and their children.  Children need unending patience and support as they navigate through the stages of development.  As much as we would like it to, the idea of love without any conditions doesn't really have a place in adult relationships. I'm not saying that we don't all strive to give our love unconditionally, but the problem is when we feel entitled to it.  Where I see this show up is with some partners who, perhaps because they did not get this as children, demand that their partner provide them with unconditional love.  This is not the job of your adult partner.  And it can be the foundation of a very unbalanced relationship.  It is far better to ask for love and respect and trustworthiness from your partner and then to find unconditional love for yourself within yourself. 

I guess my final word on this is that when we use these emotionally loaded terms that have life or death significance for children -- to describe commonplace dynamics in adult relationships, we sneakily borrow some of that moral outrage to claim victimhood for adults.  And I think it's inappropriate because as adults we are no longer dependent on each other for our very survival. 

I'd love to know what you think! Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching.