Summary & Takeaways from Tell Me No Lies by Drs. Ellyn Bader & Peter Pearson

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar Channel and in today's video, I'll give my Summary and Takeaways from the book Tell Me No Lies: How to Stop Lying to Your Partner --- and Yourself -- In the 4 Stages of Marriage by Drs. Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson. 

Full disclosure -- I'm currently in a year long training through the Couples Institute on the couples counseling model originated by Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson.  The training is absolutely wonderful for a number of reasons, but it also predisposes me to appreciate this book that they wrote together in 2000 since I can place it in the context of my learning.

Here is the overall map to my book videos: I give an overview which covers a quick summary of the book, the audience, and some background on the authors, then I go into the structure of the book, my recommendation and why, and 5-10 takeaways that were either surprising or new information for me.  Let's get started with an

Overview

This book is about lies told between partners in a romantic relationship.  It acknowledges that lies are both inevitable and constant and can either nurture or destroy a relationship.  Intent is important in how harmful a lie can be -- lies intended to deceive, protect, or derive gain for the teller of the lie are almost always going to be problematic.  Lies intended to flatter, protect, or encourage the partner can be more nurturing.  The authors make the point that couples tell different kinds of lies depending on what developmental stage their relationships is in.  The model of therapy originated by Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson (who are psychologists married to each other) is called the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy.  It is based on the principle that couples develop through natural stages that somewhat parallel the developmental states of a child's development.  Each stage comes with it's own challenges, but most couples who come to therapy are stuck in the stage of symbiosis -- or wanting their partner to be more like them.   The audience for this book is ostensibly couples, but I'm guessing it's been read by a lot of couples therapists as well to help guide their work.

Structure

Here's how the book is structured.  The first three chapters set the stage:

• Chapter 1 - Truth & Consequences - gives an overview of the book and some basic facts about lies
• Chapter 2 - The Complex Lives of Husbands & Wives - goes into the types of lies that are told in the context of a romantic relationship and how they can change the relationship dynamic
• Chapter 3 - is my favorite chapter and is about the Lie Invitee, which I'll go into more in my Takeaways

The next 7 chapters go through the stages of couples development and talk about the kind of lies that are typically present in each.  One chapter deals with what happens when that stages is going well and the next deals with what happens when the stage is going badly.  For example:  The honeymoon is the first stage.  Chapter 4 talks about lies in that stage when things are going well and is subtitled "So Sweetly Self-Deceived" and then Chapter 5 talks about lies when that stage is going poorly "The Dark Side of the Honeymoon: So Anxious for Happiness".  They go through each stage - Emerging Differences/Seething Stalemate, Freedom to Explore/Freedom Unhinged, and finally Together as Two, which you can't really get to if things have gone badly in the other stages.  Finally, they wrap everything up in the Chapter 11 by providing a user's guide to telling the truth and hearing the truth and why it's worth making the effort.

Recommend?

Do I recommend this book?  Yes -- it's chock full of great information, case examples, and practical steps.  Do I think reading it will rescue you from a marriage that has been poisoned by a lot of lies?  Like anything else, information is great, but putting it into use takes a lot of emotional regulation and growth, which isn't easy to do alone.  I would recommend working with either an individual therapist or couples counselor to create an environment and an attitude that invites honesty in your relationship.  I do think it's a great resource for couples therapists to understand how to deal with clients where deceit is a big part of their issues.

Takeaways

• Honesty inoculates your relationship against stress - I love this idea.  It's under the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" principle.  Being honest in your relationship is oftentimes not pleasant, but it fosters resiliency and galvanizes it against issues later on.
• Most lies are said not because they want to deceive, but because they want to keep the relationship the same - in most cases, the express purpose of the lie is not "I want my partner to believe something that is not true," but instead it's: I want to avoid conflict, i want to uphold a fantasy of perfection, or I want to convince myself (or my partner) that our differences are not important (when they actually are).  The end result may be deception, but that's not usually the initial purpose.
• Lie Invitee - this is one of my favorite concepts in this book and is covered in depth in Chapter 3.  The idea is that there are two sides to every lie: the person telling the lie and the person inviting the lie.  Each partner has a different goal -- one is to be truthful and the other is to create an environment where truth telling is encouraged.  How do you discourage truthtelling and become a Lie Invitee?  Lots of ways, but here are some examples of lie invitee behavior: getting really emotional (includes anger, blame, yelling, sarcasm, crying, martyring, anxiety/seeking reassurance), withdrawing (includes shutting down, walking away, plugging one's ears, getting confused, pretending to listen, engaging in addictive behavior), or being overly demanding or rigid.  Speaking of,
• "Don't" is a word that invites lies - people love to deal in blacks and whites in relationships, but they are the fastest track to being lied to.  Hear the difference between "Don't ever smoke" and "it's really important to me that you don't smoke."  The latter allows for different preferences and goals while still acknowledging one partner's truth.
• Problem Liars - just because it takes 2 to lie doesn't mean that all lies or liars are created equal.  Some people are problematic liars.  They manipulate the truth, constantly change their stories, and parse language or terms.  Think about Bill Clinton's "That depends on what the definition of the word "is" is."   These folks take lying from a bad habit to a personality trait and can be slippery and untrustworthy.  Some red flags are feeling gaslit about what constitutes a lie and constantly being told that you have a problem with trust.  And then there are
• Felony Lies - these are egregious lies that signal at best that a relationship is in real trouble and at worse emotional abuse.  There are 4 categories of felony lies:
• Infidelity -- in this case, the kind that goes on for a while
• Financial - hiding bank accounts, debt, or failure to pay taxes
• Secrets - hiding significant parts of your life like a second family, children from a previous relationship, criminal record, or major health concerns
• Cumulative Lies - chronic, repetitive lying that builds up to become felony lies
• Hostile gridlock - a pattern of avoidance and lies can land a couple in hostile gridlock where every interaction is passive aggressive and there is constant fighting.  The way out of this is not to continue to fight more, but to back up and reassess.  The last chapter gives ideas on how to start being more honest and tolerating more truth in your relationship. 
• Little echos - I like this concept of little echoes.  It refers to the small voice in your head that has something to say every time you tell a little lie -- kind of like a little parenthetical disagreement.  Little echoes are an indication that you are not telling the whole truth.  Here are some examples of fairly benign lies with the little parenthetical echo afterwards:
• I think that is a great idea! (I actually really hope that doesn't happen). Or
• I'm so glad your sister can come for a visit (I hope she doesn't stay too long.)
• Self esteem is based on candor - I had not thought of this, but each time we tell a lie, we brush over, camouflage, or hide a part of ourselves.  Self esteem is created by allowing our unvarnished truth to be heard, understood, and accepted. So, the practice of honesty is a practice of building up our own self esteem.

Conclusion

I found this book to be interesting and enlightening.  I finished with a better sense of why we lie, the types of lies we tell, and how they can affect a relationship.  I'd love to know what you think.  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!