Summary & Takeaways from After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring & Michael Spring

Hi, everyone.  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar Channel and in today's video, I'll give my summary and take aways from the book After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahms Spring & Michael Spring. 

Here is the overall map to my book videos: I give an overview which covers quick summary of the book, the audience, and some background on the authors; the structure of the book; my recommendation and why; and 5-10 takeaways that were either surprising or new information for me.  Let's get started with an

Overview

This is a book for couples or partners where one partner has been unfaithful and they are hoping to save the relationship.  It is also a good book for therapists who work with couples who have experienced an affair, but it is mostly written for people who are living through this.  This book discusses the steps to take to heal your relationship after a betrayal.  It includes a description of the kinds of thinking that are common, as well as how to heal, understand each other better, and grow your partnership into a deeper and more stable union.  The author is a psychologist who has a practice dealing with couples.  She wrote this book with her husband who is not a therapist, but the fact that a married couple wrote it together feels good to me given the topic. 

Structure

Let's talk about how the book is organized.  There are three parts, which follow the stages of healing.  The first stage is normalizing feelings, the second is deciding whether to recommit or end  the relationship, and the third rebuilding the relationship. 

• During the first part, the authors talk through each side of the experience starting with the hurt partner's perspective and the typical physiological and psychological impacts.  They cover all of the intense feelings of loss -- of specialness, of self respect, of control, of justice and order in the universe, of faith, of connection with others, and of a sense of purpose.  From the unfaithful partner's side, they discuss the feelings of relief, guilt, euphoria, anger, grief, isolation, helplessness, and self disgust. 
• Part two deals with making the decision of whether to exit the partnership or recommit.  The authors talk about examining both partner's preconceptions about love and some of the fears about whether you can come back from this kind of betrayal.  The authors bring up lots of underlying concerns such as "can we come back from so much damage?" And "how can I trust you again after this?" They also give some practical advice for coming to a decision. 
• Part 3 assumes you are working to heal the relationship and walks through the steps:
• Learning from the affair - understanding your own trauma, wounds, and negative beliefs and some possibly unrealistic expectations about your partner
• Restoring Trust - this gives some great advice about changing low cost behaviors (like providing you with an accurate itinerary when traveling) and high cost behaviors (like asking you to change jobs if you work with the person you had an affair with).  This also addresses cognitive blocks that increase resistance to change.
• How to talk about what happened - the authors talk about 2 ways NOT to communicate -- silence and storm, what details to air out (and which to keep quiet about), and how to really listen to each other
• Sex - this is a lengthy chapter for a very difficult topic -- sex after an affair.  They address this and the most common worries and assumptions and finally
• Forgiveness - they review the assumptions that might prevent forgiveness and what lies ahead if you are successful in healing the relationship - hope and renewal

Recommend?

I do recommend this book for people who have experienced this kind of relationship trauma and for therapists who are helping individuals and couples to heal afterwards.  I think the examples are great and I particularly like the comprehensive assumptions put forth by the authors.  It is clear that they have worked frequently with this population and have a deep understanding of the issues and mindset of each party.  I also think they give some great exercises and strategies, which I'll expand on in the next section.

Take Aways

• "Assumptions are problematic" - Almost every chapter outlines common assumptions and concerns that can block healing.  The takeaway is that sometimes are assumptions are accurate, but most of the time, they are not -- or they only represent a portion of the story.  Acknowledging and challenging your assumptions helps to give them less impact over your behavior.
• Gender differences - at the end of many chapters, the authors outline key gender differences.  Frankly, these seem a bit dated and don't necessarily represent the behavior I've seen in my friends and clients, but I acknowledge that I have less experience than they do and that there are probably some benefits to generalizing.  Even so, I found myself questioning these a lot.
• Not victim/perpetrator - from the outset, the authors establish a non-judgmental stance towards each partner.  So, rather than speaking in terms of victim/perpetrator, they use the labels -- hurt partner and unfaithful partner.  I think this helps in understanding these decisions as part of a more complicated system of behavior.  And encourages each partner to learn, acknowledge any contributions, and grow.
• Hurt partner feels crazy (2) - I think the whole chapter on the feelings of the hurt partner is really helpful.  Its easy to feel insane if you've been cheated on and the authors are really good about describing those complex and confusing feelings and normalizing them. 
• 7 types of trauma (15) - packed into this book is a whole section on trauma and how it shows up in relationships.   The authors outline 7 types of childhood experiences and the associated negative beliefs and how they might influence your communication style and assumptions.
• Flip flop factor (20) - I love this idea and think it's absolutely right on.  The flip flop factor refers to the fact that sometimes the thing that attracts us to someone in the early days -- for example their spontaneity and enthusiasm, drive us crazy later when  we reframe that same behavior as irresponsible and childish.  Lots of flip attributes (like affability or easy-goingness) have a flop side to them (like passivity).  You can't cherry pick one thing without getting the other.
• High cost behaviors as sacrificial gifts (24) - sometimes the hurt partner will want a big sacrifice from the unfaithful partner, like moving to a different state, or quitting their job.  Obviously, these will require a lot of thought and maybe some compromise, but ultimately these high cost decisions can be seen as penance or sacrificial gifts to even out the betrayal of the affair.  They can be hard choices, but may help to re-establish trust and commitment. 
• Works well with Developmental Model (Silence and storm) (27) - I learned about this book from my year-long training with the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, so it's no surprise that the content of this book is completely compatible with the ideas of differentiation, attachment, and integration.  The concepts of communication by Silence and by Storm are great metaphors for conflict averse couples and hostile dependent ones.
• Exercises for good listening (30) - the bottom line for healthy couples is to be able to say important things about yourself and hear important things about your partner without taking them personally or getting defensive.  Easier said that done!  The authors give some good exercises for building the muscles required to do this.  And finally,
• Truth is not always best - in healthy couples, the truth is usually the right answer in terms of whether or not to disclose an affair; however, there ARE times when it's best to keep this information to yourself.  These situations usually involve instability, violence, or disability, which are outside of the norm, but good to keep in mind that truth isn't always best.

Conclusion

I found this book to be well written, comprehensive, and solid in it's advice and processes.  It would take an impressive couple to be able to work through these concepts without the aid of a couples therapist, but it gives a really nice foundation of concepts and processes to work through.  I'd love to know what you think.  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!