What Every Therapy Client Should Know 02 - Threat Response Order of Operations

Hi, everyone.  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar Channel and this is the second video in a series where I share information that I think EVERY therapy client should know.  The first 3 videos in this series I call my “TED Talk” -- every single one of my clients will hear this little speech from me eventually.  It helps to frame my philosophy about therapy, emotions, and the nervous system and gives us a common vocabulary for our work together.  

In the last video, we talked about the nervous system, the hand model of the brain, and what happens to our brains when we sense a threat.  

Physical Threat = Psychological Threat

But the thing is -- our brains and our nervous system -- can't really tell the difference between a physical threat and an emotional or a psychological threat.   Here are some examples of emotional threats:

• Being reprimanded by your boss

• Not getting an invitation to a party

• Having a loved one betray you

• Being called ugly by someone online

Your nervous system is going to react exactly the same to those threats as if you were being chased by a tiger.  And for good reason!  Sure -- human beings are universally considered to be at the top of the food chain, but that is certainly not because of our physical gifts.  Physically, we are somewhere above rabbits and below grizzly bears.  We don't have fangs, armor, or wings, and we can't run that fast. Instead, we have clawed our way up to the top through a combination of our big brains -- and all the tools and weaponry that come with that -- and our ability to cooperate in large groups.  Human beings are physically puny and vulnerable -- particularly at birth -- so our survival depends on other human beings to protect us.  And because of this, connection to others IS an innate human survival mechanism.  When this connection is threatened, through relationship betrayal, rejection, or shame -- our survival responses kick in.  Our nervous system doesn't care whether it's a threat to our physical safety or to our emotional safety -- it views each as a threat to survival and it’s going to respond the same to either one.

Threat Response Order of Operations

Here’s how I think we are programmed to respond to threats -- or the threat order of operations.  This is my own best guess, but it is backed up by findings in Polyvagal and Attachment theory. Just keep in mind that all of this is a massive simplification and our bodies are highly complicated, but for the most part, I think this is the way it works for a physical threat and I can show you on the hand model of the brain. 

• Rest and digest - so here we are, walking along with our nervous system calm in rest and digest.  And let's say, we see that rattlesnake.  Okay -- if we are with a friend, or there are people close by, our first instinct is to

• Connect - reach for that other person or yell for help.  I link connection with the human brain since social behavior is largely found there.  We want to get protection from our group and borrow some nervous system stability from our friend or from those around us.  Our nervous system is gearing up at this point and if there is no one around or we are not getting the help we need, we then go into

• Fight or Flight - which I link to the mammal part of our brain.  Now our sympathetic nervous system has fully kicked in.  Remember what that does?  It amps us up and gets us ready to take action of some kind -- either by running away or by going to battle with this rattlesnake.  IF after all of this, we find that we are not able to escape or don't have a way to fight back, we're going to go into

• Freeze - which I link to the reptile brain.  That physiological response is to turn on the parasympathetic nervous system full blast, which serves to shut everything down.  This is the equivalent of "playing possum."  Our system is thinking maybe, if we are extremely still and quiet, the rattlesnake won't see us as a threat and will leave us alone.

So calm, to connect, to fight/flight, to freeze.  We try to use our fancy, new survival mechanisms first and as they fail us we opt for more basic, primitive ways to survive. Okay -- now let's do an emotional threat:

• Rest and digest - Say we are sitting calmly in a meeting and, all of a sudden, our boss says a bunch of terrible, insulting things about us in front of all of our colleagues.   Okay -- nervous system is starting to ramp up, but the first thing we are programmed to do is

• Connect - in this case, it could mean talking this out with a sympathetic co-worker after the meeting to borrow some of their nervous system calm.  It could mean trying to diffuse the situation with the boss by discussing the issues with him.  For some, it could mean using a trauma response called Fawning, which is essentially taking all of the blame and flattering the boss to keep him happy.  This is a way of using connection to avoid conflict.  If these things don't work, you end up in

• Fight or flight - this could look like leaving the workplace in the middle of the day, quitting, yelling at the boss, or saying a bunch of hateful things to a co-worker that will probably backfire and get back to him.  If none of these options seem viable or you get super overwhelmed, you can go into

• Freeze - which for some could look like depression or sadness, for others could look like dissociation or just mentally checking out, and for still others could be various forms of deliberate numbing through consuming alcohol, drug abuse, or overeating. 

Skipping Responses

You might be thinking -- well, that doesn't sound like me -- I skip directly to a freeze response OR I skip connecting and go directly to fight or flight.  Yeah -- that happens!  For one thing, we all have a biological tendency to prefer one or more of these responses. For example, most extroverts are more likely to connect and fight back -- introverts tend to prefer flight and freeze.  However, perhaps even more significant is our life experience.  If, in our family of origin, we were never listened to, supported by, or helped by the people who were supposed to protect us, then we won't even bother with the connect step and will skip straight to fight/flight.  If big emotions were not allowed in our home growing up, we might skip fight/flight, which has loud emotions like fear, anxiety, and anger, and go straight to freeze or shut down, which has quieter more internal emotions like sadness, loneliness, or shame.  And the thing is, the more we use those threat response patterns, the deeper those neural pathways become, and the more ingrained and speedy those responses will be to every stressor or negative life experience that we encounter.

Join me in my next video -- the one my clients tend to appreciate most -- when I talk about the window of tolerance and what I think is the purpose of therapy.  And let me know what you think.  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!