2 Words I Hate (That Most Therapists Love)

Hi, everyone.  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar Channel and in today's video, I'll tell you the two words that a lot of therapists love to use that I actually hate -- particularly in the context of relationships.   The words are "Need" and "Hurt."

I'm doing an intensive training in couples therapy and it is really clarifying for me where relationships start to break down.  And this pertains to relationships of all sorts -- not just to romantic relationships.  Now this might be a controversial take, but there are a couple of words that many therapists encourage their clients to use that I absolutely detest.  The first one is

Need

As in "I really need this from you."  or "I need you to do this for me."  What people really mean is -- I WANT.   "I want this from you." or "I want you to do this for me."  

First let me tell you why therapists and clients really like the word "Need."  Two of the most important skills that everyone needs to learn are a) figuring out what you think, feel, want, believe, desire and then b) communicating that to someone else like your partner.   Both of these can be challenging for some, but the second part -- communicating to someone else, can be especially challenging -- particularly if you were raised in a home where the emphasis was on being nice and going along to get along.  It makes it very hard to say what you want without seeming selfish, greedy, or strident.  As a result, therapists and clients have both adopted the word "Need" simply because Needs are easier to ask for than Wants.  A want is a preference or a nice-to-have.  But a Need is a requirement, something essential to being or living.  For example, "I need you to spend more quality time with me."  That feels somehow less selfish than asking for a Want.  After all -- it's a requirement, right?

And for me, that is exactly the problem.  When you communicate what you think, feel, want, believe, desire to someone else and you talk about those things as Needs, it comes across as a demand or an obligation for your partner.  If they don't do what you ask, they aren't satisfying your Needs. They are all of a sudden responsible for taking care of your Needs.  And because of the inherent pushiness of that demand, it is naturally going to make your partner defensive and resistant -- which is not a great way to start a conversation where each party is being heard and considered.  And if you are having a hard time with this, just think about your most annoying friend and how it would feel if they approached you with "I NEED you to call me more often than you've been doing."  That reaction that you just had -- that's what I mean.

Before I go on, let me clarify that there are some situations where the word "Need" is appropriate.  One is between a child and a parent.  Parents ARE responsible for taking care of the needs of their children -- both physical and emotional.  Also, in a work situation or any situation where there is a clear and appropriate power differential, "Need" is a reasonable word to use.

But in the context of friendships, adult family relationships, or romantic partnerships, I think we should normalize asking for what we Want.  Full stop.  If that feels scary, it may be that you didn't feel worthy of asking for things that weren't absolutely essential as a child.  But you ARE worthy.  And you SHOULD be able to ask for your preferences, your wants, and your desires.  If your partner doesn't want to do those things -- well, then you have choices about whether you are willing to accept that or not.  Or perhaps it'll prompt a good conversation about why -- for example, spending more quality time together -- is important to you, how you have been feeling, and how that might help you.  All of this discussion is much more likely to happen if you are talking about Wants rather than Needs.  Okay -- the next word I hate is

Hurt

As in "You hurt me." or "I was so hurt."  This is nearly omnipresent in therapy jargon because it satisfies the "I" Statement Maxim which holds that in order to have a constructive conversation, you have to use "I" statements rather than "You" statements.  So, instead of saying "You called me an offensive name", you would say "It makes me upset when you call me that offensive name."  Why?  Why do we have to use "I" statements?  Because if you start a conversation with blame and criticism which are inevitable with You statements, it's just not going to end well.  SO, instead we start with how we feel, which is a softer start and is more apt to produce positive results.

Here is the problem with using the word Hurt.  I think it is simply a blame/criticism masquerading as an "I" Statement.  Think about it -- it doesn't really tell you anything about how the person is feeling -- just that they are wounded.  And there is no sense that the wound would ever be self inflicted or passively received.  In fact, it is pretty much accepted that the wound was perpetrated by someone else -- and that someone else is almost always the recipient of the statement.  So, "I was so hurt" is just a passive way of saying "You hurt me."  And what does hurt mean in terms of how the speaker is actually feeling?  Sad?  Left out?  Angry?  Anxious?  Worried?  We have no idea!  It would be so much better to dig just a tiny bit behind the "Hurt" and figure out what you are really feeling.  And then, start the conversation with that actual feeling rather than with some statement that means nothing AND just serves to piss off your partner, friend, or family member. And again, if you are having a hard time getting a sense of this, just imagine your most annoying friend sending a text message that says, "When do you have time to talk?  I was really hurt by something you said yesterday."  Tell me that doesn't make all of your arm hairs stand up!  If what you really want is to have a productive conversation, stop using the word "Hurt" in your "I" Statements.

And let me know what you think!  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching.