Is Your Relationship Worth Healing with Conflict? A Decision Tree.

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today’s video I’ll walk you through my mental Decision Tree on whether its worth engaging in healthy conflict in order to heal a relationship.  

Within the last 2 weeks, I’ve had 3 relationship conflicts to deal with.  It’s uncomfortable and stressful even for someone like me who is more at home with conflict than most. I come from a family that believes that conflict generally ends well. Now that doesn’t always mean we fight fairly or are on our best behavior during conflicts, but we honor the role of conflict as essential to good relationships. I married into a family where conflict generally does NOT end well. My mother in law once told me that there were never any fights in her marriage.  I think she believed that was a sign of supreme relationship health -- I take the opposing view on that.     

So, my view is that our most important relationships are worth fighting for -- and I mean that literally.  We are all going to hurt each other.  We do it frequently -- sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly.  What is important is how you behave after you know you've hurt someone.  But people can't fix things they don't even know are broken.  Unfortunately, conflict can be uncomfortable and stressful.  It takes courage and energy to even engage.  And each time you do, you risk damaging your relationship.  This is all true.  What we don’t also acknowledge is that NOT SAYING anything is the most frequent cause of relationship damage.  In the end, relationship conflicts are about maintaining healthy boundaries, which I also happen to have a video on if you are interested.  

Here's my decision tree that helps me to determine whether I should spend the emotional energy on conflict in a relationship or not.   Okay -- let's start at the beginning.  A friend, a colleague, a family member says something, does something or talks to you in a way that you don't like.  They have crossed a boundary. 

• Question 1 - Is this a durable relationship? Is this someone you see regularly? Or is it an acquaintance or a complete stranger?
  • If the answer is no -- this is not a durable relationship, than ignore it, distance yourself and move on. No need to expend any conflict energy on this one.
  • If the answer is yes, go to
• Question 2 - Is this an important relationship?
  • No - some people you see all the time, but your relationship to them isn't important to you. Either because they don't have any influence over you or you don't care enough about your relationship. If this is the case, there is no need to expend the conflict energy.
  • If yes, go to
• Question 3 - Is it possible that conflict will help heal the relationship? Okay -- there are two types of people I will never attempt to have conflict with. The first type I call the:
  • Conflict Catastrophes - these people are hell to have conflict with. They fight dirty, never give an inch, never apologize for anything, are more hellbent on "winning" or preserving their ability to "be right" than to hear your perspective or save the relationship. The only way you’ll know a person is a Conflict Catastrophe is from having had a terrible experience with them in the past. Save your energy -- it's not worth it. Distance, ignore, or move on. The second category is the
  • Never Changers - There is some overlap here with the last group, but having conflict assumes that some change may be required from perhaps both parties. If you are facing someone who will never change, then why bother? Again distance, ignore, or move on.
  • If neither of these categories apply, then conflict may help the relationship. So, let's go to
• Question 4 - Have you already said this before?
  • No -- Great! You are cleared for conflict.
  • Yes -- then
• Question 5 - How long ago was it?
  • Not Long - This means you've said something about this very issue recently. Since we having this conversation again, I'm guessing they haven't made much attempt to change. Cut your losses, distance yourself and move on. If it was
  • Pretty long ago - move to
• Question 6 - How was their initial reaction?
  • Pretty good - if you've said something already, but its been some time ago, you have to determine whether its worth saying again based on the initial reaction. Was the reaction initially positive and some changes were made, but we've slipped back into old habit? If so, it may be worth saying again.
  • Not great - If it didn't go well the first time or there was no attempt at change -- then it's probably not worth it -- distance and move on .

Okay -- now we have the two instances where it makes sense to engage in conflict to make the relationship better.  You can see the bones of my decision making.  The relationship has to be important enough to expend the energy on and essentially I will say something once, maybe twice if enough time has passed, before I consider the relationship to be unsalvageable.  

Just a quick word about distancing.  This does not mean you have to drop your friend like a hot rock or start a war with them.  It just means that you need to make your relationship more superficial and take steps to offering less of yourself in terms of time, availability, and intimacy.  I'm not big on feuds -- they take way too much negative emotion -- so I try to avoid them and instead just offer less of myself.  This should not be punitive — you are not punishing them for being a bad friend. Rather, you are deciding how to allocate your limited relationship energy.  Without the ability to engage in some conflict, that relationship isn’t worth as much time and energy as others in your life. 

Now that you've figured out how that you need to engage in conflict, what's the best way to go about it in order to preserve your relationship?  That is the topic of my next video.  Let me know what you think!  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!