Feeling Resentful? Maintain Better Boundaries.

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today's video I'll talk about why setting clear interpersonal boundaries is good for your relationships and helps you from growing resentful.

I know that I’m a little prickly.  What this means is that I am sensitive to certain kinds of offense.  In particular, I don’t don’t like to be talked to in a condescending tone.  That makes me prickle and I can be rather vocal in my objection.  I’ve always considered it to be a bit of a character flaw, but as I age and watch other people's relationships crumble or implode around me, I can't help but wonder if it would be better if people were a bit more prickly along with being a bit more generous.  Let me explain.  

For me, it is all about boundaries.  Boundaries are unwritten rules about how you expect others to treat you.  Some rules are guided by social norms — don’t kiss me on the lips if I’ve just met you or walk so close that you are stepping on the backs of my shoes.  Some are quirky personal rules — like don’t talk rapidly to me until I've had my morning coffee and don’t pinch my cheeks — ever.  Some are just what we think of as being considerate like being on time or holding a door if I’m carrying something bulky.

I’m a visual thinker, so I’ll give you my visual boundaries graphic.  Here are my boundaries. Each time someone crosses a boundary -- I'm responsible for communicating that to them, so that they know not to do it again.  If someone cracks an offensive joke around me and it is up to me to correct it or else that person will think I'm cool with those kinds of jokes. We are constantly teaching people how to engage with us through indirect and direct means.  Usually, shrinking away or giving someone a look is enough to stop unwanted behavior, but that assumes that the person a) is socially attuned or b) cares what you think.   If non-verbal cues don’t work, we have to actually voice our concerns and that can be awkward and uncomfortable.   Some people are WAY more comfortable calling out rude strangers in public places, but frankly, I think that is a less important skill.  What is really important is teaching those close to us how to treat us properly. You have to do it in a way that it courageous and yet careful to avoid damaging your relationship.  But you have to do it nonetheless.  

Now — how do you know when someone has crossed a boundary?  Here's a hint -- you will start to feel resentment.  Resentment comes from one of two things: not owning up to your responsibilities or not managing your boundaries well.  We are going to focus on the second one.  If you feel resentment in any of your relationships -- it probably means that someone is stepping over a boundary and you are allowing it to happen.  Let me give you a couple of examples:

• Here is one with a stranger. You are at the movie theater and the 6 year old kid behind you is kicking your seat. You feel increasing resentment. You can politely ask him to stop -- and thereby draw your boundaries. You can also choose to endure it the whole movie or choose to move seats, but if you make that choice, you have to be able to let go of the resentment. You can’t hold it against the kid or his inattentive parents just because you weren’t willing to draw your boundaries.
• Here another one. You are feeling increasing resentment at your whole family for always being the one who hosts Thanksgiving dinner. Again, you have choices, you can continue to host, but to go down this path you HAVE to be able to shelf the resentment. OR you can muster up the courage to say something and have your family help to brainstorm some alternatives. Either way -- YOU are responsible for either drawing your boundaries or letting the resentment go.

Let me speak directly to the conflict avoiders among us.  First of all, thank you for helping to grease the wheels of society and of going along to get along. If everyone was super prickly and easily irritated, we would live in a really contentious world.  That said, relationships are a two-way street.  You can’t expect everyone to abide by social norms or do the right thing.  Sometimes you HAVE to tell people not to be an asshole, or not to use that tone with you.  That might feel MASSIVELY uncomfortable to even contemplate that level of conflict, but what happens otherwise?  People step on your boundaries, you say nothing, and little by little your boundaries get trampled and the way you want to be treated becomes something you no longer have a say over.  Your boundary territory becomes smaller and smaller.  You owe it to yourself to enforce, not how other people behave generally, but how they behave TO YOU.   That is something you have some control over unless you are literally being held captive.  And of course, people won't necessarily just comply with your directives, but then you have the ability to walk away both physically and/or emotionally if people choose not to respect your boundaries.  

Now, there are many ways we can influence how other interact with us.  We can pout, lash out, seek revenge, or simply ghost them.  For relationships that are important, I don't like any of those options.  I almost always think the best way to influence others positively is to explain your boundary directly and then explain how you felt when it got crossed.  Avoid lecturing someone about what they did wrong. Let's go back to my prickliness.  Being prickly isn't necessarily a bad thing.  It means that I have a hyper-aware boundary system.  I know immediately when my boundaries are crossed -- like a high security trip wire alarm system.  The problem is not so much that I sense the intrusion -- it's that sometimes I act on it impulsively and emotionally.  Prickliness is okay when it is paired with generosity and patience and directness.  

Here's how communicating boundaries is important for relationships.   If your partner transgresses a boundary, you have to let them know.  Yes, it might be obvious to you -- or frankly to everyone else on the planet -- that that behavior is unkind, annoying, or objectively terrible.  But you are the one in the relationship -- so, it is your responsibility to let them know.  If you don't, they are going to think it's fine -- at least fine with you -- and keep doing it.  For example — you don't want your partner to belittle your grammar in front of your kids -- and yes, I agree that is objectively bad -- but YOU need to lay down that boundary for yourself.  And then police it if it happens again.  If you let it slide, then one time becomes two, which becomes 10, which becomes a habit.  Then you grow resentful.   Resentment in relationships is pure poison.  It makes you withdraw emotionally and limits vulnerability -- 2 things that are required for emotional intimacy.  

A quick note on what boundaries are not.  Don't confuse setting boundaries with manipulation.  This is not a license to manipulate people into sending you greeting cards, buying you flowers, or any other thing you really wish your friends or family would do for you.  Sure -- you can ask for those things.  And you should ask if you really want them done for you -- people are very bad at reading minds in my experience -- but setting boundaries is more about how you want to be treated and what your values are.

Finally, you should know that this process requires patience and generosity.  Communicate directly, hear how your boundary affects the other person, and give them some space to change their behavior.  It may take some time, but you'll be able to sense if things are going in the right direction.  Conflict can be stressful and in some relationships it's hard to decide whether it is even worth it.  That is the topic of my next video.

Let me know what you think!  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!