3 Tips for Connecting with Older Relatives

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar Channel and in today's video, I'll share 3 tips for connecting with your older relatives to to learn more about them, create a closer relationship, and fill in some of your family history.

My grandma passed away about 3 weeks ago.  It was not Coronavirus related, although it happened right after everything started to lock down, so we weren't able to say our goodbyes in person or travel to have an in-person memorial service for her.  That said, she was 97 and was ready to give up the physical struggle that had defined her life for the past several years.  We were lucky to have so many full years with her, but we are all so sad that she is gone -- as evidenced by the outpouring of emotion on our family's Celebration of Life Zoom ceremony for her.  

This video isn't about my grandma specifically, but her passing has reminded me to share three things that I thought were important in my relationship with her over the last 10 years.  

Regular Calls

I was my grandma's first grandchild, born on her 49th birthday.  Since we share a birthday, it has always been a special time to connect each year.  About five years ago, my birthday present to her was a promise to call once a week.  Those calls sometimes lasted an hour, sometimes were less than 5 minutes.  They weren't always convenient in my hectic life and she never fussed if I missed a week, but she told me many times how valuable those calls were to her.  We all tend to gravitate towards socializing with people in our age group, but we learn so much from talking with people from other generations.  She got to vicariously live through the activities and plans of my busy family and I got to hear her wisdom and life experience.  Not everyone has a relative who is so easy to talk to, but committing to even for a couple of minutes every month brings you closer together.

Party before the funeral

I've been accused of being a pragmatist -- guilty as charged.  I don't really believe in pussy footing around the concept of death and am willing to talk about it in plain terms that sometimes makes people feel uncomfortable.  The thing that has always bothered me is that a lot of times people don't get celebrated until their funeral -- and depending on how you feel about an afterlife -- they aren't even really around to enjoy it!  I feel pretty strongly about having a big birthday party BEFORE the funeral if you can manage it.  Preferably when they are still mobile and mentally sharp enough to enjoy it.  We threw my husband's grandmother a small family party for her 85th birthday and since she died several years later, I'm glad we didn't wait until she turned 90.  For my grandma, we threw a big shindig for her 90th and it ended up being an important event for us all.  We gathered old photos for a slideshow, played her favorite music, told stories, and invited friends and relatives from around the country.  She was there to bask in the attention while we all shared our memories and thoughts and she absolutely loved it.  And finally,

Interview questions

Over the past 8 months, my grandma's memory became a little fuzzy, but up until then, she was pretty sharp.  I told her I was going to ask about her childhood and history and she seemed game.  I noticed that she got a little tired of talking about the past, so I would just try to ask one interview question each time we chatted.  After getting off the phone, I would write down as much detail as I could to retain the information.  If you have even a tiny bit of curiosity about the past, it will be worth your time.  There are simple stories that have been passed down that the whole family knows by rote -- like the fact that she and my grandpa ran off and eloped on her 18th birthday.  But since I asked more detailed questions, I also know now that her wedding dress was dark green linen with a velvet jacket and that chemists were "a dime a dozen" in those days, so grandpa had a hard time finding a job afterward.  The two most valuable things that I gained from asking for these stories were 1) a sense of our family history and legacy and 2) a glimpse into my grandma's life as a scared, young wife and mother traveling across the country.  Stories can bind us together and give us insight.  Her stories opened up my view of her in a way that would have not been possible from more superficial interactions.

I found a list of interview questions from The Legacy Project, that helped me to generate the questions that were relevant to my grandma.  I'll provide the link in the video description below:  https://legacyproject.org/guides/lifeintquestions.pdf.  They are questions beyond "where did you grow up?" and "how many siblings did you have?"  They ask things like what was your bedroom like growing up and how did your family celebrate holidays?  They are open ended detailed questions that are designed to provoke answers in the form of stories.  

So, that's it: call regularly, plan a party before their funeral, and ask some story provoking interview questions.  Let me know what you think.  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!