My Takeaways from Dr. Gottman's Research on Marriage - Part 2 (7 Principles for Making Marriage Work)

Hi, everyone.  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today's video, I'll share some of my takeaways from another book by Dr. John M. Gottman, PhD. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

I did a video recently on another one of Dr. Gottman's books, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last.  I feel like that one laid out some of his more foundational ideas about marriage including the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) and 3 different kinds of stable couples.  If you haven't seen that video, it's probably worth watching first.  This current book is even more prescriptive, describing exactly how to implement 7 big principles that support a successful marriage.  These principles are born out of the extensive research that he has done on couples in his Love Lab in Seattle, Washington.  So, it's not just based on hunches, but on well researched data.

In the last video, I explained that Dr. Gottman can determine whether a couple's marriage will end in divorce within 5 minutes of watching them fight.  How does he do this?  Here are the signs:

• 1 - Harsh start-up - how a conversation begins predicts how it will end.  So, if someone starts the discussion with criticism, blame, sarcasm, or accusations -- you already know it's not going to end well.  
• 2 - The 4 Horsemen - I go into this in more detail on the previous video, but Gottman looks for what he calls the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse in their arguments (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling).  
• 3 - Flooding - If either partner gets psychologically and emotionally overwhelmed during the course of the argument it doesn't bode well.  
• 4 - Body Language - crossed arms, leaning away from each other, no eye contact, not mirroring each other's movements. 
• 5 - Failed repair attempts - when tension escalates in a conflict, sometimes a partner will try to de-escalate with anything -- a silly comment, humor, even directly saying we need to take a step back.  Those are called repair attempts and they help to prevent getting to the point of emotionally flooding.  If those attempts don't work to de-escalate, it's a bad sign.
• 6 - Bad memories - things weren't always bad, right?  The problem is that when couples are having issues, they tend to rewrite the past in a negative way.  They can't seem to remember that earlier magic even when they are asked how they met, about their wedding day, or other supposedly special moments.  Everything is negative.  And finally,
• 7 - Withdrawal - when one partner is calm, distant, and totally emotionally disengaged.  This means the end is near.

So, this is how Gottman can tell if a marriage is really on the rocks and headed for divorce.  Is there anything you can do to fix things at this point?   Yes, but it's not about focusing on those areas of negativity and difficulty.  Rather each of these seven principles builds trust and friendship which is the bedrock of successful relationships.  One of my favorite findings of his is that you need 5 positive interactions to outweigh 1 negative interaction.  Every single one of these principles focuses on pumping up the number of positive interactions that you have in your marriage.  So, let's start with

• Principle 1 - Enhance Your Love Maps.  I sort of hate his term Love Map -- it's corny, but I can't figure out a better way to describe it.  Basically, what it means is -- know your partner better!  Know what they like, who they talk to at work, what they do all day, what their passions are, and what their history is.  Good couples are intimately familiar with their partner's world, which helps them to weather the storms when they arise.
• Principle 2 - Nurture Fondness and Admiration.  There is an old fashioned term that I feel needs to have a resurgence and that is to Cherish.  You need to cherish each other and honor what is good and true and positive about your partner.  After all -- you chose to marry them for a myriad of positive reasons.  Try to remember those.  The absolute foundation of all marriages is fondness and admiration.  If you are missing these two things -- the marriage isn’t going to make it. 
• Principle 3 - Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away.   A rare commodity in today's world is -- attention.  Focus your attention on your partner when they make a bid for your attention.  Listen without distraction, be helpful, and be present.  Also, sometimes bids for attention are wrapped in anger or blame.  Focus on the ask, not on the negativity.  In my house, we actually say, “Do you need some attention?”  Your attention is the most precious thing you can give to someone.
• Principle 4 - Let Your Partner Influence You.  This is also called sharing power.  Let your spouse's feelings, thoughts, and ideas influence your decisions.  Cooperate and yield.  Marriage should be a partnership, not a dictatorship.
• Principle 5 - Solve Your Solvable Problems.  Gottman says 69% of problems are Perpetual Problems -- which means you aren't going to solve them.  The solution for Perpetual Problems is to accept them and keep a sense of humor.  The other 31% are Solvable.  Work to solve these through compromise.  Gottman gives a process to solve these which involves softening your start up to not include blame, criticism, or contempt, make repair attempts, de-escalating away from emotional flooding, and compromise by finding common ground.
• Principle 6 - Overcoming Gridlock.  Gridlock occurs with problems that haven't been addressed well and have calcified into uncomfortableness.  This mostly happens with Perpetual problems, which are ones that center on fundamental differences in personalities or lifestyle needs.  For example, I know a couple that has a perpetual problem about how they spend their leisure time -- he likes to relax and watch TV, she likes be out doing a variety of things.  So, how do you avoid gridlock?  Many times gridlock happens when there are dreams in your life that haven't been acknowledged or respected by your partner.  So, try to uncover those dreams with respectful and open questions and curiosity.  Perpetual problems are like an allergy -- they aren't going away, but you can treat them so that they don't ruin your life.  And finally,
• Principle 7 - Create Shared Meaning.  People are happiest when they have meaning in their lives.  Marriages are no different.  So, how do you create shared meaning?  Develop shared family or couple-based rituals, be supportive of each other's roles, discuss shared goals, and understand the values and symbols that define your relationship.

It may seem like a lot of work, but happy marriages are beneficial to almost every part of our lives from our mental, physical, and emotional health to our financial and community well-being.  Gottman has a variety of worksheets and questionnaires to make it all work for you.  His two big strategies are spending time on making changes your relationship (he recommends 6 hours a week) and not letting negativity slide.  Better to address it early then wait until it has turned into something worse.  Let me know what you think!  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!