Use the Four Tendencies to Motivate Your Kids (And Yourself)

Hi, everyone.  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today's video, I discuss how you can use Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies paradigm to find successful strategies to motivate your kids -- and maybe even yourself!

I recently read Gretchen Ruben's book, The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles that Reveal How to Make Your Life Better.  This is not a comprehensive personality system like Myers Briggs, Enneagram, or the Big Five -- rather Ruben seeks to describe 4 kinds of people using one very limited filter -- how we deal with expectations.  The results are surprisingly illuminating and useful for things like motivation and behavior change.

I don't want to go into too much detail -- Ruben has a bunch of YouTube videos out where she goes does deep dive explanations -- and I would also encourage you to read her book.  But in short, she categorizes people based on two measures -- how they deal with external expectations -- like professional deadlines, commitments to friends and family, etc. and how they deal with internal expectations -- like new years resolutions, promises to yourself to make time for exercise, eating well, etc.  She has a graphic for the 4 resulting types, but I prefer a straight up quadrant diagram. At the top is how you deal with external expectations and vertically is how you deal with inner expectations. So, just briefly,

• Upholders - People who deal well with both expectations she calls Upholders.  They do the things that others expect of them and are also good about making time to meet their own expectations.  They are usually self-motivated and reliable, but they can be uptight and rule obsessed.
• Obligers - Those who are good at meeting the expectations of others, but not so great at meeting their own Ruben calls Obligers.  These folks are the bedrock of society, great co-workers, volunteers on the PTA, but highly susceptible to burnout, since they take care of the needs and expectations of others, but neglect their own needs in the process.  Ruben talks about Obliger Rebellion, which is when Obligers have suddenly had enough and refuse to meet any expectation. The vast majority of people identify as Obligers.
• Questioners - Questioners are those who meet their own inner expectations, but question all external expectations.  In fact, if you find yourself questioning this entire framework, you are probably a questioner. They are generally happy to comply with the expectations of others -- IF they have a good reason why and they will ask a TON of questions to determine whether it makes sense to them.  Once they are convinced something isn't just arbitrary or a terrible idea, they make it into an internal expectation, which they have no problems with. Questioners are self-directed, research and logic oriented, and like to improve processes, however, the constant questioning can be annoying and they really don't like to be questioned back.  And finally,
• Rebels - The folks who resist external and internal expectations Ruben calls Rebels.  They will do what they want to do, when they want to do it, in the way they deem best.  They are authentic, challenge status quo, and value freedom. However, they can be frustrating to others AND to themselves -- many times failing to meet basic expectations like paying bills, getting to work on time, and meeting deadlines.

I'm guessing just after that brief description of each tendency, you probably have a good sense of which one you belong to -- and you can probably figure out the appropriate category for your spouse AND for your children.  So, I'm an Upholder leaning towards Questioner married to an Obliger. One of my kids is an Obliger -- one is a Rebel.

What I like most about this paradigm is it's usefulness.  Since it's based entirely around what makes us act, it lends itself well to tips for motivation and behavior change -- WHICH if you are a parent is something you might be interested in.  So, let's go back through each of the tendencies and talk about the best tips and strategies for motivating different kind of person each to act.

• Upholders - If you have a child who is an Upholder, you probably don't need tips for motivating him or her.  I'm just going to stick with a female pronoun from now on for simplicity's sake. Upholders are amazingly self-motivated and tend to follow the rules.  You simply have to tell them what needs to be done and it will generally get done since they tend to value performance and reliability. One issue you may want to look for a tendency toward Upholder Tightening - the inability to make an exception or take a break.  Encourage your Upholder child to be open to new experiences and not to blindly follow the rules, but instead to look for the best and most effective ways to do things.
• Obligers - If your child is an Obliger, she may already feel a great deal of pressure from her teachers and parents to perform well.  Your job with such a kid is to ensure that she takes time for herself -- and not just to watch Netflix and sit in her bed, but to exercise regularly and do the good things she needs to do so that she doesn't get resentful.  You can help her meet inner expectations by helping her to set boundaries properly and, if she asks for it, providing outer accountability for her inner expectations. She should not always prioritize the needs of others over her own needs.
• Questioners - the next two tendencies require a little more finesse from a parenting perspective since they don't readily meet external expectations, which are everywhere in the life of a kid: doing what the coach tells you, turning assignments in on time, doing chores around the house, staying on top of schoolwork -- even if it IS just busy work.  These are all external expectations. Questioner kids are going to ask a lot of questions, which is going to be off-putting for some adult figures in their lives. They are trying to figure out whether it makes sense to them -- once they determine it does, it becomes an internal expectation to them and they will happily comply. So, if you have a Questioner child, provide explanations for things rather than just commands.  So, not "Clean off the back deck" but "We have guests coming later and I would like to grill out, but it's messy back there now. Can you clean off the back deck?" Or if another adult is failing to provide them with adequate justification -- you know, the dreaded "because I told you to" response, remind your child about the reasons that it is in her self-interest to comply -- the coach will make you sit the bench, you'll get a bad grade on that paper, you will be marked tardy.  These explanations may not necessarily justify the activity, but may convince your child why complying would be best for her. Also, Questioners tend to end up in Analysis Paralysis, so encourage your child to find a expert whom she trusts to help her short-circuit information and decision overload. And finally,
• Rebels - Big sigh.  If you have found your child to be almost impossible to motivate, you may be the parent of a Rebel.  I am and have found these tips to be really useful. Rebels resist both internal and external expectations, which means they can be contrary, independent, and highly attuned to anyone trying to stomp on their freedom.  The expectations of teachers, coaches, or parents are generally not motivating to Rebels. And generally they are also not able even meet their own expectations since they don't want to be controlled -- even by themselves!  Ruben gives 3 ways to motivate Rebels:
• Information, consequences, and a choice.  Telling a Rebel what to do is not effective.  You probably know this already. What is effective?  Giving them information, telling them what the possible consequences will be, and then letting them make the choice.  This has to be done dispassionately. For example: "when you leave the house at 7:50am, you arrive at school late. You already have 7 unexcused tardies -- if you get up to 10, you won't be able to graduate.  You can choose what time to leave the house." Don't nag, don't continually remind, just put it out there and let the natural consequences take effect.
• Reverse psychology - also called paradoxical intervention.  Basically, this means saying things like, "Well, I don't think you are going to be able to finish that by tomorrow anyway."  Then they are motivated to show you that you are wrong. Use sparingly! And finally,
• Identity - Rebels place a high value on authenticity and self determination.  Their identity is important to them and that can be useful for motivation.  If they see themselves as the kind of person who exercises regularly, they are more likely to do it workout several times a week.  If they see a habit as part of who they are, they will not resist it. You can also tie good behavior to deeper values or who they DON'T want to be.  Maybe they don't want to be the kind of person who has to rely on her parents to drive her to school -- this will help her catch the bus on time. The common thread in each of these methods is that the Rebel needs to feel like it is her idea, not yours.

So, there you go.  A quick description of each tendency and some tips on how you might motivate a child (or yourself) based on her tendency.  I recommend the book or other videos that Gretchen Ruben has done on this topic for more information. And let me know what you think!  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!