What Can I Tell Other Parents? My Rules.

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today's video, I'll share the rules that I developed to determine what information I can tell other parents while being careful not to break the expectation of confidence with my kids.

I have teenagers -- and they are great kids.  But they ARE teenagers, which means, by definition, that they push the boundaries of what is allowed -- as do their friends.  Our code word for this is "risky behavior."  This is an umbrella term that covers everything from breaking major rules, to use of elicit substances, to pushing sexual boundaries, to straight up criminal behavior.  As much as I would like to just shut down all of this talk with a "never do that!", I know this isn't really realistic -- and would totally end any meaningful conversations that I might have with them about decision making and peer pressure.   I'd like to stay engaged with them so that I can contribute to the conversation, even when it means hearing about stuff that I'd frankly rather not know about.

Inevitably, I hear some stuff about other kids.  Some are close friends, some just acquaintances, some they only know by name.  Some things my kids have witnessed first hand, sometimes it's a product of the rumor mill.  They don't tell me everything, just *some* things.  So, as a parent -- what do I do with that information?  I know a lot of the parents of these kids.  Do I have an obligation to tell them about every little rumor that I hear?  And what would that do to the trust that my kids have in me?  

First Hand Witness

So, here are my rules.  If I witness behavior first hand: I smell pot on someone, I see a kid staggering drunk, I witness a bad choice -- then that is fully my information and I can do with it whatever I want.  Now, I have to be careful, right?  After all, I could have seen someone stagger, but if I didn't see them actually drinking, I can't be absolutely sure that they are drunk, right?  So, I have to be careful not to draw conclusions, but it IS my information to share as I see fit.  "Hey -- I saw your daughter driving down Main Street at 1:30am -- thought you might want to know."  That said, nosey busybodies often pay a price.  So, I have to be really careful to only give information to folks who I think might appreciate it.  I'd like to believe that I am someone who would appreciate any new information and that I would not jump to defend my kid without knowing the full circumstances.  But this is obviously not true for everyone.  So, I would offer the facts, but only to folks who I think might appreciate it.  But what happens if I hear a story from one of my kids?

Second Hand Information

I consider second hand information not really mine to share.  There ARE exceptions to this, of course.  If I think someone is in danger -- either they are a danger to themselves or to someone else -- all bets are off.  I'm willing to break confidences to protect someone's safety.  But everything else is not my information to share since it has been relayed to me by someone else.  Say, I hear that one of my daughter's friends is going to parties, getting drunk, and sleeping at a friend's house.  Let's say I know the parents well.  So, I don't consider this my information to give out.  I didn't witness it and it doesn't rise to the level of a safety concern.  BUT if I'm picking up my kid at a party and see the friend drinking beer in the front yard -- well that's a different matter.  So, this can make for some difficult situations where I feel like I may have some information that my friends don't have about their own kids, but it is the only way I can honor my confidentiality commitment to my kids to ensure that I'm hearing about difficult decisions they are having to make. 

Point Blank Questions

Okay -- so what happens if someone asks me a question point blank.  In my experience, parents who don't want to know what their kids are up to are just not going to seek out that information.  They will rationalize THE most bizarre behavior to have it conform to their narrative about their child.  I get it -- this stuff isn't easy.  But you know what?  No kid is perfect and this is what they are wired to do as teenagers -- gather new experiences and incorporate them into their worlds.  But if someone asks me straight out -- have you heard that my daughter has been drinking?  If the answer is no, I'll say no.  If the answer is yes, I'll say -- you need to ask your daughter about this.  I just can't in good conscience give out information that I haven't witnessed first hand and isn't mine to give.

My thoughts on this are still evolving, so I'll love hear what you think!  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!