Talk To Your Older Teens about Consent

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today’s video we’ll go through the conversation you should have with your older teenager about consent. 

Okay — with the #Metoo movement raging on right now, consent is definitely a hot topic.  The story that recently broke about Aziz Ansari is particularly relevant.  First a quick definition of sexual consent in this context.  All it is — is the agreement by two parties to participate in a sexual activity. This activity does NOT have to be sex — this also covers touching or kissing. 

And yes, I will acknowledge that this is an embarrassing conversation to have with your kids, but I think it’s important that we do.  And here is why — consent requires direct and open communication about an awkward topic.  If we are too wrapped around the axle to talk with our kids about this, how can we expect them to communicate well with each other?

And the other thing?  It is HARD. We are asking them to act in direct opposition to the gender role expectations that they are receiving from our media and culture. What do I mean by that?  I mean men are taught to be strong and self-reliant. We are asking them to ask questions and be vulnerable. Women are taught to be demur and nice. We are asking them to speak directly about their needs and at times, be downright rude about it.  Take it from someone who doesn’t fit well into the archetypal female gender role — it is NOT easy to buck the system without negative feedback.

And if that weren’t enough, the notion of communicating about consent goes directly to our deepest fears. Margaret Atwood said once, “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”  Men don’t want to invite ridicule by asking too many questions. Women are scared that if they say no, it might end in violence.  So, this is not easy stuff. We are asking them to go against their basic instincts.

Boys

First, let’s talk about boys. Okay — for the purposes of this video, I’m going to speak in some generalities. Generally, I’m going to assume for the sake of simplicity that boys will be the aggressor and girls will be the gatekeeper. Obviously this is not always the case and I think ALL of these points need to be made to your teen whether male or female. In addition, I’m assuming heterosexual relationships — again for the sake of simplicity, but obviously that is fnot the case with everyone, so please tailor this conversation to your teen’s situation. They still need this information regardless of sexual orientation.  Alright, here we go.  Boys,

• Ask first. You want to lean in for a kiss?  How about asking first?  I know, I know.  It will break the mood, she’ll think you sound stupid, etc.  Despite what you may think, I literally don’t know a single woman who wouldn’t be charmed by a guy asking “would you mind if I kissed you?”  IF she wanted the kiss.  And if she doesn’t, yes, that’s a little awkward, but it is not as awkward as getting a mouth full of hair when she turns her head or a slap across the face. 
• Enthusiastic consent.  The guideline is not just consent, but enthusiastic consent. If you are having fun, but all of a sudden it seems like she isn’t, or doesn’t seem enthusiastic, then stop and figure out what is going on. Don’t keep going thinking you can get her back in the mood. It doesn’t really work that way. 
• Check in verbally.   You generally know if things are going well, but don’t tune out just because you are having a good time.  If she goes still or silent, check in verbally. Is everything okay?  Is this okay?  If she says “no”, consent has been revoked, so back way off. 
• Consent requires mental clarity.  Do NOT engage in sexual activity with someone who Is too drunk, too sleepy, or too out of it to consent. That is not consensual.
• Don't manipulate. Here is a situation where you should NOT use your formidable powers of persuasion. Don’t try to convince her.  Don’t plead, don’t make her feel guilty, don’t pout.  And above all, don’t make her scared.  Be a good guy and just back off. 
• Consent is limited.  Some of these might be obvious, but they are still worth saying.
  • Consent to one activity does not mean consent to additional activities. If she says yes to kissing, that does not mean you can put your hand under her shirt. 
  • Consent to an activity one time doesn’t mean consent in the future. You have to have consent each time. So, if she agreed to consensual sex once, that does not mean she automatically consents the next time.
  • Consent can be withdrawn. Things were okay before, now I’m not so sure. Respect that. Don’t force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. Consent can be
  • Verbal or nonverbal.  But when in doubt ask if what you are doing is okay.  Never assume consent because of flirting or style of dress.  Neither of those has anything to do with consent. 
• Back off if . . . She is not responding affirmatively either verbally or non verbally, she physically moves away, is asking to slow down or saying other euphemisms like “let’s take a break” or “I have a headache” or “I’m on my period.”

Girls

Let’s talk about girls.  AGAIN I’m speaking in generalities assuming that the girl is the sexual gatekeeper here — obviously that is not always the case.  I am a person who believes that both parties have some responsibility with regard to sexual communication. No, I am definitely not saying that it is a girl’s fault if she is assaulted.  The burden is obviously on the man to NOT commit sexual assault. But this is your body, it’s important to take some precautions.  And to understand your role in consent. The first thing:

• Communicate!  This is harder than it sounds.  Sure — it’s fine if he’s reading your non-verbal cues and you are reading his. Great!  But some people aren’t good at non-verbal cues.  So, it’s up to you to be really direct to get your point across.  I have a friend who doesn’t get the cues for “now it’s time to hang up the phone.”  Like when you say “Okay, sounds good” in that singsongy voice?  Yeah, he doesn’t get that. So, i actually have to say “Okay — now I’m hanging up the phone”, or the call would never end.  That doesn’t make them a bad person, it just means they are not totally tuned in to you.  I’ve already covered how much we expect from guys, we can’t also expect for them to read our minds.
• Know what you want.  Think in advance about how far you are willing to go.  Even better, talk to a friend about your limits.  I would advocate having this conversation  with your partner in advance before passions rise and things get pressurized.  I know this seems direct and clinical, but it is particularly important if you are feeling at all nervous about being alone with this person. Like before you go into an apartment or dorm room. You don’t want to find that his expectations are different than yours and then you are in a situation where you are scared to say no.
• Establish your boundaries.  It is up to you to establish your boundaries and communicate where they are.  This is true in regular life, but usually the stakes are lower. If someone is talking loud in front of you in a movie theater, establishing boundaries means asking those people to be quiet or moving your seat.  Yes, it is SO annoying that some people don’t respect other people’s obvious boundaries and that they require YOU to be rude in order to establish them.  That said, this isn’t an annoying theater outing, this is your body. So you have to speak up. 
• You can be kind without being nice.  Being nice is what we are taught as girls. Go along to get along, be flexible, don’t have a ton of opinions, make everyone happy, always be accommodating. Honestly, screw that!  Don’t be nice — be honest.  You will probably come across as not chill, but that is the price we pay for open communication. HOWEVER do always strive to be kind.  Don’t try to hurt his feelings. He is a person too and — assuming he’s not being predatory — he might just not be picking up on your nonverbal cues.  And for god’s sakes don’t laugh at him or ridicule him. That will tap into his deepest fear and might put you at risk of yours. 
• Stay in control.  Don’t drink too much.  Sometimes it can be tempting to use alcohol to make an awkward situation less awkward, but it doesn’t take much before you are no longer driving your own bus. Don’t let that happen. 
• Avoid power imbalances.  If you feel like the power difference between you and your partner will prevent you from speaking up, then really think twice before putting yourself in that situation.  Power differentials can come from status, employment position, celebrity or age among many things.  If this imbalance exists, but you feel perfectly comfortable speaking your mind, go for it. But do think about it in advance — you may not realize how much it will influence you in the moment. 
• You don’t owe him anything.  I was always wary of the expectation of reciprocal transactions. As a result, I like to pay my own way, open my own doors, etc.  I know (from hearing it over and over again) that this comes across as cynical and unromantic.  But whatever — I’m as affected by psychological manipulation as anyone else — I’d just rather have a nice, balanced situation.  Either way, you do not owe him ANYTHING for dinner and a movie. This is not a quid pro quo. 
• Get comfortable with these phrases.  Say them in the mirror if you need to. Can we slow WAY down?  I’m not ready to do that right now.  Please, stop.  I’m saying no. If you don’t start listening to me, I am leaving. 

This is heavy stuff.  Obviously, most of the time you won’t need to bring out the big guns, but it’s always important to listen, communicate, and be willing to put the brakes on at any moment.  Let me know what you think!  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!