How to Make People Like You - Summary of The Like Switch - Part 2

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today’s video I’ll give a summary of a book I just read called The Like Switch by Jack Schafer.  I've boiled down many of his points into just the basic formulas and tactics for getting people to like you.  This is the second of two parts.

In the first video, I talked about Schaffer's tenure at the FBI, training agents on the friendship formula and friend or enemy signals.  Next, let's talk about reading

Body Language

It is useful to be able to read someone’s body language to determine whether they are happy with you or not.  In order to do this, you should practice by watching other people interact. You can tell when people are getting along because they do the following things: they smile, use expressive gestures (not aggressive ones), lean into each other, women tend to flip their hair, they mirror each other’s behavior and posture, they nod in agreement, they have an open stance (with no crossed arms), and they clear the space between each other.  People who are not getting along use closed posture such as crossing their arms, they put barriers between each other like a cup, purse or phone, they either close their eyes for longer than normal, or have rapid eye blinking which indicates anxiety, they do not mirror posture, and they tend to lean away from each other. 

This is not only interesting to observe in other people, it’s useful to know how people are reacting to you. And to make sure you aren’t sending the wrong signals. 

The Golden Rule of Friendship

The Golden Rule of Friendship is if you want someone to like you, make them feel good about themselves.  There are lots of ways to do this, but according to Schafer, the best way is to be actively empathetic.  Basically, get them to talk about themselves using empathetic statements that start with the words, “So, you seem. . .”  Here’s an example, you see someone at the bus stop and they are furiously rooting through their backpack.  An empathetic statement might be “so, you seem kind of stressed out. Is everything okay?”  You continue to use empathetic statements during their story to get them to talk longer. The longer they talk about themselves, (wierdly) the more they will like you.  I basically think this is true when you are building a friendship; however, beware the long-term friend who never asks any questions about you. That kind of one-sided relationship can get tiring. 

One important point that Schafer makes is that, and this is my wording not his, when it comes to friendship, it is better to be kind than right. Don’t make people feel or look stupid or they will resent you for it. Don’t correct people in public, don’t win an argument at the expense of someone else’s pride. This goes for friends, authority figures — anyone really.  Give people a way to save face if they are wrong. One way to do this is, instead of challenging them, to back into it by asking for their advice.  Next up, 

Conversational Body Language

These tips are honestly tantamount to mind reading.  While you are talking with someone, you can pay attention to their body language to get a view into what your conversational partner is thinking.  Believe it or not, these all have to do with watching their mouth.

• Lip purse - this means they disagree with what you are saying. Watch for this because once they verbalize their disagreement, it’s hard to put the genie back in the bottle. In other words, once they have spoken, it is harder for them to go back on it since they will be motivated to stay consistent with their original stance.  
• Lip bite - this means they have something to say, but are hesitating to say it. 
• Lip Compression - means the same thing — they have something to say — but for whatever reason are even more reluctant to say it.  Schaffer says he see lip compression a lot right before a confession. 
• Lip Touching - means you’ve hit a sensitive topic or something that makes them feel uncomfortable.  

How to tell if someone is lying

This is a small section and there are actually tons of books written on this very topic, but I’ll share a couple of his tips, which were new to me:

• If you ask a direct yes or no question and they begin their answer with “Well” they are probably not being truthful. 
• If in response to your direct question, they answer either with a question to you or an accusation, they are probably lying. For example, did you actually go to the movies?  Are you accusing me of lying?  Or why do you need to know?  And last,
• When you ask the question “why should I believe you?”, people who are telling the truth say some version of “because I’m telling the truth”!  Liars don't usually say that and will instead try to convince you that what they said is true. 

So, that’s it!  A bunch of social strategies and tips from a guy who made an entire generation of FBI agents likeable and persuasive. Let me know what you think!  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!

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