Talk to Your Teen Girl about Clothing Choices and the Male Gaze

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today’s video, let’s talk about the conversation you should have with your teen girl about clothing choices and the male gaze. 

Every generation of parents tries to prevent their girls from making risky clothing choices.  When I was growing up, my parents preferred this look to this one — the late 80s were horrendous.  Unfortunately, girls get positive feedback for wearing skimpy outfits and they get shunned for looking too prudish and basic.  But, as we all know, it’s a very narrow and precarious tightrope to walk — too skimpy and they get hate for being extra and slutty.  

Girls of every generation have learned to nibble in from the edges on our rules.  I honestly NEVER thought I’d let I child of mine wear Daisy Dukes OR that I would ever be persuaded by the argument that everyone is wearing them. But I’ll be darned if they aren’t all wearing them!  Now we are quibbling over the length of the inseam (the longer the better) and whether the shirt shows any belly (absolutely no way).  Honestly, just while I was writing this script I had to have this whole conversation with my daughter about the length of this dress she is wearing.  I ended up giving in with some concessions on her part (spandex underneath, a long sweater over, and super straight posture all night). Sigh. 

Style Relativity - Okay — here’s what I think.  Fashion is totally relative to era and has very little to do with how flattering the style is.  Otherwise, these bathing suits would never have been a thing.  In other words, the fashion powers that be make up the rules arbitrarily and we all march along to their beat like good little soldiers.  So, it makes sense for us as parents to understand what kids their age are wearing.  I know only too well how important it is to fit in.  But there are limits.

Image - kids almost never think about their wider audience.  They are dressing exclusively for their peers at this age —in my daughter’s case, other 8th graders. But of course, there IS a wider audience.  Parents, teachers, little kids, older kids, grandparents — and they are ALL JUDGING with different criteria. And, although I don’t believe in educating solely based on scare tactics, our girls will learn soon enough that not all people have good intentions.  For this reason, I think it is smart to not draw too much attention to yourself.  Never be the showy-est peacock in the group.  

No slut shaming - Since we are on this topic, let me just be clear. I don’t believe in girls slut shaming other girls.  There is SUCH a double standard between what is okay for girls to do and what is okay for boys to do, that I just think girls need to band together.  You can acknowledge that some girls make more risky clothing decisions, and you can also acknowledge that they might be making these decisions to get more attention from boys, and STILL not slut shame them. Just pull back on those ugly impulses. 

Beautiful vs. Hot - I feel pretty strongly that it is better to strive to be beautiful than to be hot.  Beauty is universal. Adults appreciate it, other girls appreciate it, little kids appreciate it.  Being hot is for one audience only.  The counter argument I’ve heard is that being sexy is empowering.  What is wrong with loving your body and not being afraid to show it?  Here’s what I think is wrong. Looking hot or sexy is appealing directly to

The Male Gaze - so bear with me here — this is the feminist notion that our culture tends to depict attractive women only as objects of male pleasure.  Just turn on the television or open a magazine and it’s hard to argue with this. Seen through this lens, female empowerment through sex appeal is derived entirely from how a woman looks to a man.  That’s not like “I am Woman, Hear me Roar”, and more like “I am Woman, but my Roar is really just an echo of a guys roar”.  It puts a different spin on being sexy and powerful, doesn’t it?   Now some girls are built with a little more va va voom than others.  That is great in some ways and tough in others.  Those girls may have to think a little more about clothing choices than their peers, so they can project the image that they want. 

Clearly, this is not a one and done conversation. In many ways, raising teenagers is just an exercise of pulling in the opposite direction of where they are trying to go.  They are all on a train which goes to one place — we can only slow down how fast it gets there.  So, I just want my daughter to think critically about the decisions she is making about how she presents herself. Is she choosing to be beautiful or hot?  Does she feel empowered only because she is appealing to the opposite sex or because she is comfortable in her own skin?  And, as always, she should make decisions that are right for her, but she needs to check her judgments about others. Everyone is walking their own path. 

Let me know what you think!  Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching!