6 Tips for the Dreaded Sex Talk

Hi, everyone!  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and today we are going to discuss the dreaded "sex talk" with your kids. 

I am by no means the perfect "sex talk" parent model -- and certainly not from the beginning. I knew that I wanted to have an open dialog with my kids about sex eventually, but I was squeamish just like everyone else.  For the longest time, I let my kids think that babies came out of an incision in the mom's belly.  I had had 2 c-sections and, to be fair, they only asked specifically about their own births. When they were in early elementary school, I got shamed into doing a better job because our local Anglican priest, who's kids were around the same age, had already had this very specific and detailed conversation with his kids. And I refused to be bested by an Anglican priest!

Now -- I'm a sex education teacher at my church. The church that I belong to is very liberal and takes the view that sexual education for kids is a spiritual and moral requirement.  I teach the 5th grade class -- which is once a week for 8 weeks, but we also have a class for 1st graders that is similar in length and then one in 8th grade that is every week for a full year.  I realize that this is a baffling concept to many.  First of all, what could you possibly have to talk about for that many sessions? And second, why is this happening in church?  Aren't churches designed to just scare you into NOT having sex?  The point of the program is definitely NOT to encourage the kids to have sex -- in fact, the more information they have, they more resolute the kids are about waiting a GOOD long time.  But more importantly, we think that much of sex ed is about values -- how you treat others, how you value yourself, how you communicate clearly, and how you make informed decisions.

The reason I bring all of this up is that I think these classes and these ages tend to correspond with basic age-appropriate conversations about sex: 

• 1st grade - where do babies come from, body part names, and stranger danger
• 5th grade - puberty talk (wide range of normal), sexual orientation, gender identity, and STDs
• Middle school and beyond - Noodz, social media, porn, consent, birth control, bystander intervention, sexual assault/rape, pregnancy, etc. 

And here I've sort of backed into my main point -- which is -- this is not a 1 conversation "I've had the sex talk and now I'm done" kind of a thing.  One of your roles as a parent is, whether you like it or not, "Main Sex Educator" for your kids.  Think of it this way -- if you aren't teaching them, who is? And what is the quality and messaging around that info?  Believe me -- you WANT to be involved in this. It's an important part of life, it's confusing, and they need some good, solid, values-heavy direction here. 

Point number 2 - this notion that the same sex parent has to have "the talk" is pure nonsense. Whichever parent is either most comfortable or most determined should definitely be the person talking. Some families obviously do not even have an option. I have both a boy and a girl -- and who do you think does the talking in my house?  It's not comfortable by any stretch of the imagination, but it would be FAR worse with my husband who is squeamish in the extreme on this topic. So, moms -- quit waiting for dad to pull Junior aside. And dads, same to you -- start these talks with your daughters. 

Point number 3 - use real words. Use vagina, breasts, penis, scrotum (I hate that word) and say "have sex" or "sexual intercourse."  Yes -- you have to do this. Practice in front of the mirror if necessary to desensitize yourself. Believe me -- it is better to do it from the beginning.  

Point number 4 - Keep it brief. There's this feeling that "the talk" needs to be this long, dissertationy monologue.  That's not the way it should work. Answer one specific question at a time. I used to do the monologue thing and I could see the kids eyes rolling back in their heads and totally tuning out after 3 minutes.  Plus, with older kids these topics can be highly embarrassing and overwhelming -- and they really won't be able to take in additional info after a certain point.  Tell them to think about it and let you know if they have questions later.  Many of them will not ask, so it's up to you to keep bringing stuff up.  Which brings me to . . . 

Point number 5 - Talk frequently.  I don't mean you need to be having conversations every day, but definitely not once and done.  Most folks do around 3: a quick talk about how babies are made in early elementary school, a puberty conversation (sometimes just for girls) and then nothing until a birth control conversation in the teen years. Yeah - that's not enough. To be fair, I'm using a pretty wide definition of sex talks -- basically anything that touches on sex or sexuality.  This is honestly both for you and for your kids. It desensitizes you both to using correct terms and talking about stuff together. I recommend using news stories or TV shows to drive conversation. That's how we've managed to cover rape (the Stanford swimmer story), sexual assault (Bill Cosby and countless other celebrity villains), transgender issues (the NC bathroom bill), gay rights (gay pride parade), abortion (slightly too old TV series) and prostitution (NPR news). I usually say something like, "Did you guys hear about the <insert news story here.>  Do you know what that is about?  Let me fill you in."  Again, 3 minutes or less unless there are follow up questions. 

Point number 6 - Let them hide.  These conversations are awkward at best. I have lots of conversations in the car -- where you don't need to face each other.  Another option is letting them put a throw pillow over their face (that tip came from a kid in one of my classes).  They appreciate when you acknowledging how awkward the conversation might be - or in their words, "cringy".  It helps them get prepared and not feel blindsided. 

To recap, there are lots of conversations that you should have with your kids about sex and sexuality. It doesn't matter which parent does it. Force yourself to use the right language. Make the talks brief and frequent using current events to drive conversation. Acknowledge how awkward this is for them and you too. Even if you've missed some of the age appropriate stuff, start now. It's more important in their teen years to have you to talk to. 

Let me know what YOU think!  Leave your experiences and thoughts below in the comments section and thanks for watching!